The Charade News Network

“… And while you’re at it, get that ladies’ lawyer some briefs.” The lady stands up and says, “But I can defend myself, your honor.” The lawyer says, “But I’ll defend her honor, your honor.” And the judge says, “Well, honor or offer? Make up your minds.” The comedian says, “Definitely on her. Cause that’s the best offer I’ve had all day…”

~ Brian Doyle Murray

In spite of how much I really hate to do it, in order to further my education and understanding, I clicked on CNN to see how America was getting its news that day. I usually try to stomach at least 30 minutes a week of CNN.

There was Larry King and a few other people commenting live from the Democratic National Convention… What a farce!

“I get a hair-cut everyday!”

No, I’m not talking about the DNC convention. I’m sure that was bad. I’m just talking about the CNN coverage.

There was Larry sitting down at a table with some lady and some other regular CNN dork-reporter who is always wearing a bow tie.

I didn’t know if I was watching a report on the DNC or a half-time show at the Super-Bowl. They seem inter-changeable to me as they are always the same-old, tired formula.

The guy who wears the bow tie; wears it for an obvious, yet ridiculous reason; the bow tie signifies a past time; a better time. It signifies “grandpa.” It let’s you know that he is worldly above his youth… In other words: It’s a sales gimmick. I think, if he didn’t wear the bow tie, he’d just be another faceless reporter in a sea of hack reporters…

Tucker Carlson!? Bet you a donut that that’s not his real name.

Probably just like in the old TV show “Bewitched” when Samantha’s husband was changed, from the original Derwood to the replacement Derwood; the CNN producers can just “dump” this guy if he gets “out of line” and put the bow tie on some other faceless dork. And very few people will ever know the difference.

Half of the time, whenever I see this guy talk, I look at his eyes and get the impression that even he, himself, does not believe in what he is saying. He and most of the people on “Cross-talk” just say things to be inflammatory. It’s good for the ratings, ya know?

Ah, but what the heck, eh? He’s a nice young lad and, after all, he is somewhat unattaining…

Then there was some fat-guy reporter — wearing suspenders no less — lying flat down on his back in a bunch of red, white, and blue ribbons and balloons. I wondered if the suspenders were another gimmick just like the bow tie — Nah! It looked like he had just been through one of the most exciting parties in his entire life.

“Wow! What a bash — It will be remembered for at least a lunch time.”

Larry King asked him an idiotic question (funny that, ‘ol Larry does that quite a lot sometimes):

“Do you think the Republicans will use a picture of you laying down ‘on the job’ in all those ribbons and balloons as a weapon to attack the Democrats?”

This guy is the worst one of the bunch. Without his glasses he morphs into a jock-reporter… With his glasses, he’s a serious young man!

Oh please, Larry.

But you can’t really blame the King-ster for this kind of idiotic, talking down to the audience. They all do it on American TV.

You gotta wonder how people who watch this garbage can not realize that they are being spoken to as if they are children? I really wonder if any of these people (on or off camera) have any self-respect.

Larry King doesn’t. You can tell that from watching his show. It goes something like this:

“This is Larry King on ‘Larry King Live.’ Our guests tonight will include Zibignew Brezinski talking about how we can defeat terrorists. And after that, Jeff Dillweed, the mechanic who tuned-up Kobe Bryant’s former car. We’ll talk to him and find out what he knows.”

Does Larry need his job so much that he will continually do this kind of useless “news interview”? Or is he so vain that being on TV takes priority over everything? I suspect the latter especially if, as he claims, he goes to get a hair cut everyday. That way some-guy massages his head all the while he can stare at himself in the mirror.

Poor Larry. You just know that somewhere deep down in his heart, he’s just gotta be hating himself for being a prostitute for CNN… But it’s OK, he can make it up with all the accolades and glory given to him by people who have to brown nose him at work as well as John Q. Public who will want to shake his hand in order to gather their own 15 seconds of fame.

I change to another American “news station”: They are reporting about a man who flew naked in a hot air balloon and is arrested. We zip back to the studio. The woman anchor rolls her eyes, smirks, and says:

“Oh brother! What will they think of next?…. John?”

“Oh! Gimme a break! Tee, he, he, he……”

“Right after this word from our sponsor, we’ll be back with a story about faulty glass sliding doors at restaurants…. What you don’t know, may kill you…”

Right now some of you reading this are probably getting angry at me. Well, all I can say is why don’t you watch some foreign news? BBC shouldn’t be that hard to get. You can even watch Japanese news on NHK in some places, right? Even if you can’t understand a word of Japanese — You will be able to understand that NHK is serious news and they speak to the audience as they expect the audience to be educated and intelligent. None of this “fun and frolicking in the studio” nonsense like you get in American news.

The people on those stations are dignified. And they definitely do not “talk down” to an audience. Even though it is government run (so I sometimes wonder about some of the reports), BBC still beats the pants off of any news station you folks have in America.

But, like I said, all the news stations in America are basically the same: They all talk down to the audience as if they are talking to idiots.

I don’t know. You tell me: Are they?

View CNN poll

…. On second thought, never mind.