After he perused “today’s church newsletter and its plethora of ‘guidelines’ for this Sunday’s service,” Clay Hamm “thought of Matthew 21:23: ‘And when he was come into the temple, the chief priests and the elders of the people came unto him as he was teaching, and said, By what authority doest thou these things? And who gave thee this authority?’”

Clay continues,

One wonders how Jesus might have been greeted under today’s regime. The following is a mashup using actual bullet points from the church newsletter.

 Perhaps it would go like this: Excuse me Jesus, online sign-up ended 48 hours prior to the service. This allows time to organize the seating arrangements as attendance is limited to 100 persons. 

I think right there, our Savior might pose His first objection.

Moreover, we would like to remind you that to love our neighbor is to protect them as best we can by following advice from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

I see a divine eyebrow quirking…

Thanks for stopping by but next time you would like to visit our church please:

Create a user account at signupgenius.com and pre-register at least 48 hours in advance.

By the way, “pre-registration” comes at the insistence of and helps the “public health” bureaucrats, who want to “contact trace” us in the event that someone in the congregation tests positive, whether falsely or otherwise, for TB–sorry, COVID19. “Pre-registration” is about as ungodly and anti-Scriptural as it gets: do churches seriously intend to turn away a visitor, perhaps someone who’s never attended before and didn’t know he must “pre-register”? I have asked this question of several Parsons Goat; none has responded.

Keeping a physical distance of 6 feet, please move directly from the front doors into the sanctuary.

And don’t overturn any tables on Your way, either, especially if they’re displaying “anti-social distancing” propaganda from the CDC.

Wear a mask at all times

Maintain a physical distance from others of at least 6 feet at all times

Please forgo healing anyone: You’d have to touch him or, >shudder, shudder,< spit on him.

Please bring and use hand sanitizer as you enter and exit – and before coming to the Holy Supper

No matter that You’re the Guest of Honor. Oh, and the masks and gloves the servers are wearing? Distracting and irreverent, sure, but what can we do? Leviathan recommends them, and Your bride leaps to obey.

Please sit only in the seat(s) assigned to you.  They will be clearly numbered and staggered throughout the Sanctuary.

As the Holy Eucharist involves close contact with others, please do not feel you must receive it at this time.  If you are uncomfortable, simply stay in your seat during the Distribution.

After all, You never promised to strengthen or help us, so don’t blame us for our cowardice..

When the Holy Liturgy is finished, please exit the sanctuary promptly, once again maintaining physical distance.

And spiritual distance, too.


6:35 pm on July 1, 2020