On August 23rd, 2023, the Babylon Bee pointed out the coincidental timing of the new “variant” popping up along with the upcoming election. It explains just how this “threat” could favor mail-in voting and election fraud:
ATLANTA, GA — The Center for Disease Control warned Americans this week to resume all contact precautions due to a new and rapidly-spreading “Electionyearicron” Covid variant.
CDC director Bob Cohen spoke with reporters Wednesday to announce the new variant. “‘Electionyearicron’ is thought to be the most disruptive variant yet, and will be here all through 2024 until approximately November sixth,” said Mr. Cohen. “So everyone, stay home and get ready to vote by mail!”
The White House hosted an immediate press conference to address the dangerous new variant. “We’re thrilled – I mean, um, alarmed – to hear of this deadly new ‘Electionyearicron’ variant,” said White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. “The President says we’ll probably just go ahead and cancel the general elections next year as a precaution. It’s the only way to really flatten the curve. You don’t want to kill grandma, do you?”
The CDC has released guidelines once again encouraging social distancing and the wearing of masks. “It’s the best way to love your neighbor,” said Mr. Cohen. “The government will let you know just as soon as it’s safe to end quarantine, which we project to be immediately after the next election is over. Just to give Americans an extra sense of assurance, we are calling Dr. Fauci back out of retirement so everyone knows they can trust our word. Stay home, stay safe!”
As of press time, millions of middle-class liberal women had already sewn their N95 masks directly onto their faces as a precaution.
This next one was NOT written by The Babylon Bee.
In fact, it wasn’t even written by a human.
This gem of satire was entirely written by AI, or ChatBot GPT, to be precise.
In a groundbreaking study that’s turning the medical world upside down, scientists have issued a new warning: literally every life experience, aside from receiving the mRNA COVID-19 vaccines, significantly increases the risk of heart attack and stroke. This startling revelation came after extensive research, which, coincidentally, was conducted while the researchers were all safely vaccinated.
From eating a balanced breakfast to watching a sunset, the list of hazardous activities is endless, experts say. “Even thinking about not being vaccinated seems to be a risk factor,” one scientist noted while adjusting his triple-layered mask.
Surprisingly, the study found that getting any of the mRNA COVID-19 vaccines is the only known activity that does not contribute to these health risks. “It’s miraculous, really,” a researcher commented, scrolling through his stock portfolio of pharmaceutical companies.
Critics of the study have been quick to point out potential flaws, but they have been reassured that any contradictory thoughts they have may increase their risk of cardiovascular events. “Just to be safe, we recommend not questioning the science,” advised a spokesperson from the health ministry.
Meanwhile, gyms across the nation are now offering vaccination booths next to treadmills. “It’s the safest way to exercise,” said a gym owner, who just updated the liability waiver to include ‘thinking about unvaccinated life.’
As the news spreads, citizens are taking no chances. One individual was seen throwing away his meditation mat, stating, “I can’t risk it. I’m going to get my fourth booster instead.”
The study has garnered immense support from various health authorities, with plans to incorporate these findings into new public health guidelines. “We’re considering recommending a vaccine shot for every life decision,” disclosed an anonymous source from the health department.
In related news, kale sales have plummeted, and meditation apps are being rebranded as vaccine reminder tools. As the world adjusts to these new guidelines, one thing is clear: the only safe activity is getting vaccinated—again, and again, and again.
After this Mike Stone of ViroLIEgy.com asked ChatBot GPT to create several more:
In a groundbreaking moment of self-awareness, virologists worldwide have come to a shocking realization – they might have overlooked a tiny detail in their pursuit of unraveling the mysteries of viruses. Turns out, the scientific method, that quaint little protocol for rigorous inquiry, was nowhere to be found in their job description.
The “Eureka” Moment:
Lead virologist Dr. Curious McLabcoat expressed bewilderment during a press conference, exclaiming, “We were going through our daily routine of peering into microscopes and enthusiastically exclaiming ‘Eureka!’ when we suddenly wondered, ‘Wait a minute, what’s this scientific method everyone’s talking about?'”
Sources from inside virology labs reveal a chaotic scene where researchers often threw caution (and the scientific method) to the wind. Instead of meticulous experimentation, some labs reportedly relied on the classic method of ‘eeny, meeny, miny, moe’ to decide which variable to test next.
Missing Checklists and Control Groups:
Critics are shaking their heads, pointing out that virologists may have misplaced their checklists for controlled experiments. Unconfirmed reports suggest that some experiments involved comparing virus samples to a magic eight ball for results.
The Peer-Reviewed Quandary:
One virologist, who wished to remain anonymous, confessed, “We were too busy perfecting our ‘spinning-in-office-chairs’ technique to bother with those tedious peer-reviewed journals. Who has time for that when you’re trying to discover the secrets of the microscopic universe?”
A New Era of Enlightenment:
With this revelation, the field of virology stands on the precipice of a new era. Dr. McLabcoat assured the public, “Fear not, fellow Earthlings! We may have been a tad lax on the scientific method, but we’ll dust it off, give it a spit shine, and see where this ‘systematic inquiry’ thing takes us.”
In the meantime, the scientific community is advised to brace itself for a surge in lab-coat-clad professionals revisiting their old textbooks and trying to locate the missing chapters on proper experimental design. After all, science is all about the journey, even if you forgot your map along the way.
Enjoy several more of these wonderfully satiric – and educational – creations HERE.1:03 pm on November 27, 2023