The Great American Economic Recovery is The Bigly Buzz! Can Full Employment be far behind? (For the sake of this column) Of course not!
This means all you snowflakes out there, languishing in that rent-free Safe Space at your parents’ place while sharpening your gaming skills, need to ramp up for that long-awaited Big Job interview!
The following list will help you take that new BA in “Post-Modern Philosophy of Medieval Ballet” to leverage that six-figure income you so richly deserve. To impress a Fortune 500 firm that will accept your demands to set your own hours, select your own projects, timetables and work standards, you will need to learn, know and use this short list if success, your own apartment and new BMW are to be rightly within your grasp! So here are:
5 Things To Never Say on the Big Interview:
#5 “Ya know?”… easily the most popular non-sequitur in common parlance today. Ubiquity notwithstanding, it reflects a certain laziness of speech and thought way beyond ignoring the most predictable response: “No, I don’t know.” Unless you are being interviewed by a close family relative familiar with your life and personal preferences, avoid liberally sprinkling your answers with the dreaded “ya know?”.
#4 “I mean…”. Similar to “ya know” (see above), “I mean” is both a crutch and unintended revelation. When answering the Interviewer’s questions you rely on “I mean” to begin every response, an Employer could easily conclude you don’t have your act or thoughts together, ultimately squandering large chunks of the work day to “revise and extend” your assigned tasks. Ya know what I mean?
#3 “Like” – Do you remember learning about “similes” and “metaphors” in English class? OK. Do you remember English class? No worries. Like Latin, English is becoming a dead language. (See what I did there?). While an otherwise perfectly useful part of speech, “like” has become just another crutch like its verbal brethren above. Like, ya know what I mean?
#2 Tied for Second Place: “Yeah”, “Sure” and “ummm”. In too many instances, “Yeah” and “Sure” improperly modify #5-#3. While Ronald Reagan (a former US President) made constructive use of “Well,…” in similar responses, it generally preceded statements on matters of national importance or executive humor. If your prospective job carries similar weight, feel free to use any of the above verbal crutches with impunity. Conversely, “ummm” leaves the prospective employer with the distinct impression of intellectual illiteracy or, worse, the appearance of having lapsed into your daily meditations, smack in the middle of the Big Interview. Best to make no sound at all while frantically searching for something erudite to say. WARNING: Don’t search too long; the Interviewer may think you zoned out.
#1 Hands down, the word one must immediately expunge from the beginning of any response: “So”. This recent and obnoxious speech habit ranks below public nasal harvesting and resonating flatulence. Repulsive examples are regularly inflicted by guests on otherwise popular FOX News programs such as “Tucker Carlson Tonight”. Recently, a supposedly learned university professor began his response to five successive questions from Mr. Carlson with “So…”. At all costs, eschew the word “so” unless used as an adverb or conjunction or (sew) if you’re Big Interview is with Singer or the McCall/ Butterick Pattern Co.
Strict application of the above advice may ensure a favorable “first impression” in contradiction to that anticipated by the Interviewer after observing your Date Of Birth. For last minute cramming, try this.
So I mean, yeah, sure, like ummm good luck!