If Dubya Talks And Nobody Listens, Does He Make a Sound?


So… Wednesday, January 10th the Democratic Dictator of the United States of America, George W. Bush is going to announce his sinuously scripted snow job to the world.

Why in the blazes would anybody waste precious time to witness this drivel? He’s going to drone on and on and on in an attempt to sell us the same old sow’s ear.

I’ve got better things to do and so do you. I need to train The Hounds (Nimrod and Little Brain) to defend the perimeter, take advantage of 10% off day at the local market and repair the head gasket on the Dive Master Special. In the evening, right as Dubya makes his big speech, I’ve got a hot date with Princess Shalmar. That’s right, Road to Morocco starring Bob Hope, Bing Crosby and Dorothy Lamour, is sitting on top of the DVD player right now. Oh goodie, goodie!

We’ve known for weeks what Bush is after. Let’s see, there will be no withdrawal of troops. Duh. It’s what the U.S. public wants so it must be the opposite of what Bush has decided. Bush wants as many as 50,000 more troops to be raised out of the 9,000 available. Maybe he thinks the US Army clones GI Joe? I thought Bush was opposed to stem-cell research and high tech science stuff… other than "nukular" bombs. These troops will "surge" into Baghdad "temporarily" in a "New Way Forward." Look sharp! This is not the same as "staying the course" to secure a "long-term" U.S. objective.

Huh? Anyone notice a contradiction there? If you don’t… enlist! Be all that you can be! Well… give it your best uh… shot… until an IED blows up you and your worn and dilapidated Hum Vee.

The bottom line is that we’re going to be asked to "sacrifice." Mark me if I’m wrong but it seems there’s been more than enough sacrificing.

Let’s see. The number of sacrificed U.S. soldiers has topped 3,000. That’s a bigger "sacrifice" than the fatalities due to 9/11. Then there are the sacrifices of families and friends of the dead and the maimed. Let’s not forget the permanently wounded. Such physical and emotional wounds don’t go away. So let the sacrifices begin… uh… escalate! Sounds like ancient Rome.

The U.S. citizen has sacrificed plenty! The U.S. has gone from a subtle police state under Richard Nixon to a blatant police state under George W. Bush. Been to an airport lately? Tried taking a tube of toothpaste onto an airplane? Did you get your Free Total Body Microwaves the last time you went through Security? Don’t miss out! No carry-on hair gel for your dream vacation, for which you’ve been saving for the past ten years? Oh and make sure your socks are clean and without holes!

Once protected by the Fourth Amendment of the Constitution, the sanctity of your mail has been sacrificed! Who knows what evils lurk in the mail of men? The Shrub does! And he’s going to snoop through your letters to get the real skinny.

Matter of fact, except for the Third Amendment, the whole Bill of Rights is dead. The sole remaining protection ensures that Soldiers cannot demand to hang out in your house watching the Super Bowl and making long distance, tapped, phone calls. I guess the Bill of Rights have been abbreviated, just like Keith Olbermann says. Now it’s the "Bill of Right." Well, that’s simpler.

Oh yeah… the Iraqis need to make more sacrifices too. Only 655,000 dead Iraqi civilians? That is not enough?! The citizens of Iraq had better gear up for a surge in sacrifices.

Since we know all this stuff, do we have to listen to it? Can’t we just turn off the talking monkey and watch a video? Then all you have to do is to throw the next morning’s paper in the trash and don’t forget to stay off the Internet for one day!

What if nobody in Congress showed up or the White House Press Corps telephoned in sick that day? I’d say Helen Thomas deserves a day off.

So, hypothetically speaking, on Wednesday, January 10, 2007, what if George were to speak and nobody listened? Would it count? Does he even make a sound? What is the sound of one fool yapping… if no one listens?

Elizabeth Gyllensvard contributed to and edited this story.