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Tofu Kills

I love these yo-yos with the frizzy hair, granola-flecked beards and wire-rimmed glasses who like to "get back to nature." They think it means sitting around on a communal farm with a little fawn in your lap, eating organic tofu, listening to Yanni and sighing dreamily while watching your female mate (with the fuzzy underarms and tie-dyed Mu-Mu) petting a Manatee ( which taste like pork, BTW).

Jab a harpoon in that Manatee, bash the fawn’s skull to bone splinters with the nearest stick, then rip into them with your canines (that’s what they’re for, upper and lower). Then swallow him raw.

Now THAT, my friends, is man, (homo sapiens ) REALLY "getting back to nature," and especially, his nature. Notice, I’m not saying to actually do those things now. I’m just saying that to be true to your professed goal of "getting back to nature" that would be a place to start — if facts count.

Of course, with pinks and greens, they don’t. Their godparents, the outright Reds, love to rewrite history. They don’t like what it says about us. They turn the whole thing on it’s head. The pinks and greens simply cut and paste the cutesy and sentimental parts they like, creating a montage of utter idiocy, something to provoke smiles and applause on Oprah or Rosie, which is to say: utter, undiluted bunk.

Unlike any herbivore’s, our stomach secretes hydrochloric acid. That acid means our stomach breaks down Bambi in no time — much faster than any tofu, which is as unnatural a food for homo sapiens as granola. Our digestive track is more akin to a Leopard or Wolf’s than to Gorilla’s. Live with it.

But this upsets greenies. They turn away from facts, sniffling, with lips quivering, like my wife and daughter watching an "abused" woman on Oprah or Sally Jessie. Then they lie and cover up. They write books bulging with bilge about our "vegetarian past."