“Walking Jack” Perry: We’ve Got Coffee, So Shut Up

Not a day goes by now that some hurt feelings, stubbed toe, or micro-disaster is not blamed on the election of Donald Trump. Well, I have good news for everyone, including those who hate Trump: There is lots of coffee on the shelves in every store. It can still be purchased at major chain and indy coffeehouses across America. So far, we have not seen the Great American Coffee Famine thanks to the election of Donald Trump. I think the world has been made safe for coffee. This is a far cry from the 1970s when we had a major coffee shortage coming on the heels of the 1973 Arab Oil Embargo.

Therefore, let us all stand together and give thanks for coffee. It’s one psychoactive drug the government has, thankfully, left completely legal for us and with no need of a prescription or a medical coffee card. To those naysayers who insist life cannot possibly be good under Donald Trump, I say unto thee: Behold! Thy stores have coffee! How say ye unto us that life is bad?

Without coffee, we could not have built the Transcontinental Railroad, won World War Two all by ourselves, Ronald Reagan could not have won the Cold War single-handed, won the Space Race by proving the moon closely resembles the underside of an old couch cushion, or invented sliced stacker sandwich pickles. Be of good cheer! Keep calm and a stiff upper lip firmly planted on your coffee cup! There might not be a Coffeeville, but you can’t drive around with a margarita in the car cup holder, either. We’ve got coffee, people, so shut up. Dude won the election. Get over it.

———Walking Jack Perry

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