“Walking Jack” Perry: Chess Champion Cheese

Headline news right now is that Russian chess champion Garry Kasparov is telling Trump to “stand up” to Putin. Hey Garry, this isn’t chess. A checkmate with thermonuclear weapons doesn’t end in drinks and finger sandwiches all around for everyone, okay? Pipe down and go back to what you know. That being, chess. Or go smoke a couple bowls and calm down. The news is really stretching it when we think chess experts are suddenly worthy advisors to United States presidents. What next? Perhaps the pinochle champion of Luxembourg will be by to tell us that Russia is going to hack the electrical grid of Moab, Utah. And I understand the backgammon champion of Malta is urgently advising Trump to stand up to Putin before he hacks into the electrical grid of Monte Carlo.

This is pathetic. The United States has fallen into hysterics and can’t get up. Chess champions are enlisted in the Phony War against Russia, Trump, and Putin. The electrical grid of Vermont is hacked, oops, maybe not. People think we’re entering “scary times”, but I beg to differ. We’re entering into the most hilarious period of American history. Before it’s over, they’re going to be telling us Trump is trying to abolish Daylight Savings Time to give the extra hour saved to the wealthy. “Trump is going to take away the daylight savings of the poor that they’ve worked so hard to save! Just to give that daylight to the wealthy!” I suppose Putin will help using the new Stealth Daylight Disrupter Beam the CIA will assure us exists. We still haven’t solved the Great Vermont Cheese Plot the Russians launched a few days ago, either.

———–Walking Jack Perry

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