Hollywood Climate Accords

All the world is in a dither! It looks like the world will end sometime in our foreseeable future, thanks to the U.S. pulling out of the Paris climate accords. In regards to climate change, I’d like to point out that nothing happens without a series of causes and conditions leading up to it. If carbon dioxide emissions are at fault, then they would appear to be coming from vehicles and electricity production for the most part. So! I have some solutions!

1.) Ban Hollywood. Look, do we need any more bad movies sucking up all this electricity we’re burning coal to produce? These celebrities have already made enough money. And as far as music goes, pop music has gotten more energy-intensive over the years. This also sucks up a lot of electricity. If these celebrities are truly sincere about stopping global warming, they will voluntarily sign the Hollywood Climate Accords and end production of bad movies and worse music.

2.) Whoever will not sign Hollywood Climate Accords must restrict music to acoustic only. It would appear that the more popular a singer gets, the more electricity is consumed in these mega-concerts. If they are sincere in their concern over climate change, they will lead by example and unplug their musical instruments.

3.) We will need to pass a Prius tax on vegan food products and liberal magazines. That way, we can subsidize the cost of hybrid vehicles to low-income people currently driving 1999 Jeep Cherokees with one window taped shut and all the paint blasted off one side due to a sandstorm. Since we were told that everyone ought to be happy to chip in and pay for Obamacare for low-income people, it stands to reason the same people who said this ought to be happy to subsidize hybrid vehicles, too.

4.) We will need to ration television. Look, folks, this is sucking up a lot of juice, okay? We need to limit broadcasting to one hour per day, tops. People will need to find something to do. Sorry.

5.) People will need to vote on where the power comes from. Coal or nuke, your choice. Individual towns and cities can opt for wind and solar. But, hey, if the power goes out because of that choice, suck it up, buttercup. We can’t loan you a few megawatts until the wind picks up.

6.) Celebrities will need to lead by example, since they’ve been the most vocal advocates for stopping climate change through sacrifice. Therefore, the next military base on the chopping block will be shut down and handed over to Hollywood. The celebrities will then live communally in the barracks to cut down on energy-wasting mansions. This base will then be called “The Entertainment Sector” and anyone wishing to see a movie will need to go there by horseback and see it performed live on stage, during the day, in order to save electricity.

Am I kidding? I don’t know, am I?


12:42 pm on June 2, 2017