It isn’t common for a man who suffers a minor physical indignity at the hands of a smaller woman to press criminal charges against her. This is especially true of incidents in which the man retaliates by throwing the woman to the ground and then compounds that assault by restraining her by force.

But Orlando resident Andrew Brennan isn’t an ordinary male. He’s one of the sanctified personages set apart by state-issued costumes and clothed in the presumed authority to push others around and kill them when they resist.

So when 24-year-old Alexandra Espinosa-Amaya laid an unhallowed hand on Officer Brennan’s person — specifically, by pushing him in the face and knocking his eyeglasses to the ground — this wasn’t the trivial and bearable affront it would have been had Brennan been a member of the productive class. Instead it was “battery on a law-enforcement officer,” and originally classified as a felony.

As a result, Amanda was sentenced to two years’ probation, 50 hours of “community service,” and a course in state-licensed psychological programming (also known as “anger management class”). She also had to write the poor, traumatized “victim” a letter of apology.

But all of this was insufficient to assuage the hurt feelings of the brutalized Hero in Blue, who doubtless suffered a species of post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of the incident. At Officer Brennan’s suggestion, Miss Espinosa-Amaya was required to stand outside the Orlando Police Department headquarters holding a hand-lettered sign reading: “I battered a police officer. I was wrong. I apologize.”

“The officer that was battered asked for this disposition because he wanted to bring awareness to the fact that officers from this agency and others are battered on a regular basis, often causing severe injury and/or medical retirements,” insisted OPD spokeswoman Sgt. Barbara Jones. “He hopes the disposition in this case will bring public awareness to the issue.”

If Andrew Brennan were any part of a man, he wouldn’t have made an issue out of being pushed by a woman. If the soprano-singing pseudo-male had any gift for irony, or even a small measure of self-awareness, he would at least have dealt with the issue in a way that didn’t advertise his overdeveloped sense of entitlement and vast capacity for self-pity.

Alexandra and her sister Natalia were evicted from an Orlando nightspot in November 2008. The two “combative” females were ushered out of the premises by a bouncer, who was exercising a prerogative associated with property rights.

Brennan, a government employee, carried out the predictable function of making matters worse by butting in. This led to the felonious “pushing” by Alexandra. Brennan reacted by throwing the woman to the ground and handcuffing her. Natalia, most likely seeking to defend her sister, kicked Brennan, a supposed offense for which she was sentenced to a year of probation, 50 hours of community service, and a stint of “anger-management” class.

Brennan preserved the “evidence” of the “assault” by photographing his glasses, which were stained by the unholy fingerprints of a Mundane. Alexandra, on the other hand, was severely bruised and otherwise injured by Brennan’s unwarranted assault.

Interestingly, although Alexandra’s punishment makes it appear as if she had taken a club to pathetic little Officer Castratto — er, Brennan, she was actually convicted of  battery and “resisting an officer without violence”; this underscores the fact that merely touching a member of the state’s punitive priesthood can be construed as a felony.

The Best of William Norman Grigg