Advice to the College-Bound from the Old, White Professor

In a few weeks, some of you will be going off to college. But before you commit yourself to the decision and the ensuing financial burden, there are a few things you should know.

Nearly all college experiences begin with a series of orientation sessions. Most start with the assumption that you are the cursed offspring of a flawed society. You come to college not to be educated but to be reeducated. You have imbibed of racism, sexism, and homophobia. And for some outrageous amount of tuition that will send many of you into perpetual debt, the modern-day Gletkins of academia will purge you of these impure thoughts.

The brainwashing will begin in orientation but will not end there. If you live in a dormitory, there will be required sensitivity sessions run by minions from the office of residence life. These generally are graduate students who are shouldering the intellectual rigors of a degree in education administration.

The aim of these sessions, which are reminiscent of those imposed on Soviet factory workers to remove their “mechanistic thinking,” is to reeducate you to rid yourself of the values your parents taught you. Against the State: An ... Rockwell Jr., Llewelly... Best Price: $5.02 Buy New $5.52 (as of 11:35 EST - Details)

Many of you, irrespective of discipline, will be compelled to complete a multicultural requirement. These courses are compulsory because otherwise no rational person would sit through them.

Your multicultural requirement might be taken in African-American studies where, being a white person, you will learn that only whites, by definition, can be racists and all whites are racists.

The evils of slavery will be pounded into you, even though your ancestors probably not only didn’t own slaves, but they also came to these shores long after slavery was abolished. Nonetheless, your skin color makes you guilty.

But invoke a stereotype about black people based on their high crime and recidivism rate, and you will be admonished that to brush all black people with a single brush — especially without context — is racist. To characterize all white people as racists, however, is not a stereotype but an intellectual incision.

You will learn that there is such a thing as “true truth.” This is the shared reality of an “oppressed” group whose common belief makes something true. Or in the profound words of Alexandria Octavio-Cortez, you can have moral truth without factual truth — whatever that means.

In these classes, you will never say that the trans-Atlantic slave trade was the product of Africans who shifted the trans-Saharan slave trade westward. You will never point out that two African potentates, King Tegesibu of Dahomey and King Alvare of the Congo, were among the wealthiest men in the known world, having gotten rich by selling slaves.

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