A One Percent Majority

What I’m about to say won’t win me any popularity contests. Not that I’d want to. But, first, have a look at this.

Hold the phone! Since when is 1% of anything relevant at all? What’s that, the chance of winning the multi-million dollar jackpot in Vegas? This is some kind of popular movement? I had to re-read the thing because I thought it was a joke. But, no, when 1 out of 100 Americans do something, it must mean a majority approves, right? But why do they think this? Because the media is used to reporting on special interest groups’ various whine-fests as if they reflected a majority opinion.

What if SHAEF was told back in 1944 that, “Gosh, fellas, we’ve crunched the numbers again. This D-Day invasion only has a 1% chance of success…”? They’d have been cabling Stalin the next day, saying, “Sorry Uncle Joe, but the second front you wanted is going to have to wait. We can’t afford the risk. We’ve got less of a chance than you had at Stalingrad and, besides all of this, we don’t have to block troops to force advance at gunpoint.” Right, we’d have been looking at D-Day sometime around 1947 when we finally had a way to repeatedly nuke the Germans with enough left over to threaten the Soviets with. Then we wouldn’t have had to invade France, we could have just vaporized German cities instead.

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For that matter, what if the atomic bomb only had a 1% chance of success? Think they’d have wasted a dice roll on that thing? “Well, if it works, it’ll be great. If not, we’ve poured money and resources into a rathole that would have been better used turning radar into a beam weapon to cook Japan.” However, in all fairness, I understand there was well over a 1% chance that the first test of the hydrogen bomb would ignite the atmosphere and destroy the planet. Scientists told the government that it was all theoretical, of course, but there was a chance the first H-Bomb test would incinerate the entire planet by igniting the atmosphere. But the government figured it was worth the risk because if we didn’t invent a weapon capable of doing that, the Soviets would. And, besides, we’d beat the Soviets to destroying the Earth. Everyone should be proud of this.

Imagine if there was only a 1% chance that astronauts could be recovered from space missions? Had that been the case, their families would need a telescope to have a family reunion. “Look, boys, there’s dad! See him? Passing behind that satellite? You boys are lucky. Billy’s dad re-entered the atmosphere and burned up on re-entry. And look! There’s the Centaur 15 Mission capsule orbiting! Oh, look, they’re holding up a sign asking for a rescue mission. They must have lost radio contact or Houston pulled the plug because of budget cuts. How touching! Let’s see if the moon mission mausoleum is visible tonight…” I think in the final days of the Space Shuttle, NASA was throwing the dice on similar odds. But they got a lot of use out of it before it became a death trap.

What if a comet decides it’s going to snuggle up to the Earth and scientists tell us there’s only a 1% chance the Earth will survive? Right, it would be like the Titanic except on a global scale. The politicians would be frantic to see how much they could collect in taxes before the comet hit. They’d probably figure, “Hey! Now’s the time to nuke the Russians! The world’s going to end anyway, so it might as well be us that takes them out and not the comet that gets all the credit and glory for it! We don’t know what political party that comet is affiliated with. I’m not sure we can trust it to do a thorough job on the planet. I know, I know, there’s only a 1% chance the comet will miss us, but we can’t afford to trust in that 1% and miss the chance to get even with the Russkies!”

On the other hand, the government was probably told there was only a 1% chance we could win the Vietnam War. They probably said, “Well, gee, that’s only a 99% chance for failure. And we’re Americans, so of course, we’ll take the 1% and make it work. It’s not like we’ve got dead astronauts orbiting the Earth, looking down on us, after all. By golly, just because the French lost doesn’t mean we will!” I suspect this is exactly how they think. Which would sure lend credence to the possibility the government is writing the news.

They were probably told there was a 1% chance Bashar al-Assad could be deposed. Check out, Assad! The last man standing! Obama just stepped down after all that bragging he was going to make Assad step down. Assad outwaited him. I would think there’s also a 1% chance we could beat the Russians in a conventional war and less than a 1% chance our NATO allies will actually stand and fight. (“Now where did we put those blocking troops? Oh, that’s right, we haven’t got any. I guess the Russians will take Western Europe unless we can get our tactical nuclear weapons off the ground first…”)

I’m certainly impressed with 1%. That’s lower than the interest you get on savings accounts at the bank these days. Who knows? It might be lower than the percentage that the world will not collide with a passing asteroid the size of North Dakota. It might be lower than the percentage of deadly microbes squatting in a feedlot manure lagoon that, once in the food supply, will wipe out 75% of the human race. “They think there’s so tough, eh? They think their antibiotics will save them, eh? Wait ’til they get a load of us! So to speak…”

Excuse me, but this is not the first time I’ve heard that 1% figure bandied about. We were told by Occupy Wall Street that the wealthy 1% of the country rules the other 99%. Okay, so where was the 99% the other day, guys? I’m not good at math and never have been. But it seems to me someone forgot their fractions somewhere or didn’t carry a number, or something. How is it that the 99% suddenly dropped down to 1%? That almost fingers the government as being involved because only they can turn a fat 99% surplus into a 1%. Knowing the government, I’m surprised the 1% wasn’t in negative numbers and they were running the protests on a deficit.

I understand that the national debt went up by $9 TRILLION dollars under Obama. That’s the real news regarding numerals, folks. Talk about a 1%, there’s a 1% chance that the national debt will be paid off one day. But interest being what it is, there’s a 100% chance the debt will double due to interest alone. Right, great president, ran up a $9 trillion dollar tab and for what? Syria? What, exactly, was these $9 trillion dollars spent on? Anyone know? Oh, I know! They increased spending by little 1%s everywhere. And the press reported this and actually said debt was good for America. Funny. That’s not what they said when Bush did that. And that $9 trillion is on top of the trillions Bush stacked up, by the way. Cancel NASA. Print the $9 trillion alone and we can make an origami bridge to Mars.

On a more down-to-earth level, when was the last time a store brought you in with the promise of a one cent saving on spending one dollar? My gosh, they take a whole nickel off if you bring your own bags! I understand the 1% Protestors didn’t bring their own bags. Or, maybe they did. You do the math. Be that as it may, you’ve got to do at least a 10% off to bring in traffic to a supermarket. People don’t even go for generic brands for a mere 1% savings.

Indeed, never before in American history has 1% of anything been a majority. But, at last! America has beaten the odds and catapulted a 1% micro-minority into a majority that ought to chart the destiny of the entire nation! Now, this is the same group of people who told us several years ago that the 1% should not be running the country. Unless they are that 1%, I suppose. I’m guessing they think that the Hollywood 1% is not the Wall Street 1%? Wrong. They’re actually closer to one another than they want anyone to know.

Who funds the movies, television, and music labels these celebrities act and record on? What, the money comes out of the bulk quinoa bin over at Whole Paycheck? I doubt that. There’s about a 1% chance you’ll even find a penny on the floor in there. No, these celebrities that sat up there in profanity-laced tirades ARE the 1% that Occupy Wall Street screamed bloody murder about. These celebrities got very, very rich and they are the 1% and anyone who thinks they’re “one of us” is, quite frankly, a fool living in a fantasy world. Or, rather, in a reality TV show.

Indeed, the 1%s are coming home to roost. Or is the 1% on the other foot, now? And in case anyone wondered if this isn’t the same “more equal than others” 1%, it pays to know Madonna said publicly at this protest she thought of blowing up the White House and DID NOT get arrested or go to jail. Now, had that been someone without money, power, and political influence, that person would be cooling his or her heels in a federal prison right now. This truly is the 1% and the same 1% immune to the laws everyone else must live under. The useful idiots certainly applauded her saying that, but had one of them said it, they’d be sitting in a holding cell right now facing federal terrorism charges.

Americans are funny. They resent Wall Street but love Hollywood. And the two are pretty much one and the same. Celebrities make more money in an hour than these idiots will make in their entire lives. And you think these people KNOW you, how you live, or actually care about you? You think these people know what struggle is? I’d say there’s about a 1% chance these celebrities really care about you and aren’t just grandstanding their own egos.

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