Hey, remember when ol’ Dubya said, “Why is our children not learning?” I think he was on to something there. No, wait, hear me out, I haven’t been on an espresso IV drip. I think we need to apply this theorem to our government. To wit, “Why is our politicians not learning?” The solution is this. Remember back in the day, those of you around my age of 40-and-over, when if you did poorly in school, they made you attend Summer School? Look no further, America! I proudly present: Summer School For Politicians! Yes, it all boils down to education, I suspect. We need to appoint a Schoolmaster to run it and install a big chalkboard right up there in the Capitol Classroom. If they don’t attend, hey, they get an F and then fired and pensions revoked. Let’s see how it’d work, shall we?
“All right, class, settle down, we’ve got a lot to cover. Hillary? I’ll take those iPads. Hand them over here. I warned you about bringing those to class before. Now then, let’s get started. Senator John McCain! Come up to the blackboard and draw the Persian Gulf and, specifically, Iran. Demonstrate to the class how you’re going to invade Iran and please show your work. More to the point, show how you’re going to win that war.” “I can’t! I’m not a The Hindenburg Best Price: $3.74 Buy New $5.75 (as of 08:30 EST - Details) military strategist!” “EXACTLY, John! So sit down there, Alexander the Great, and take out your notebook and pencil. I want you to write 500 times: ‘I will not disrupt class again talking about starting wars without permission’. Anyone else want to come up to the board and solve this problem? Again, the problem was: ‘Is starting a war with Iran a logical course of action. And, if so, can we prove it can be won?’ Remember the other part of the equation; that if we lose the war, everyone who was in favor of it loses his job and pension. Anyone else? Senator Cruz? What about you?” “Huh? What?” “AHA! Sleeping in class again! I want you to go see the principal after class.”
Not even the President would be excused from class. “President Obama! Your book report on ‘The History Of American Imperialism In The Middle East’ was atrocious! Did you write that over crib notes and pizza? President Zeppelin Best Price: $4.97 Buy New $6.49 (as of 12:20 EST - Details) Obama, may I remind you, this is not drama class. The Syrian terrorists you call moderates are not the tragically romantic revolutionaries of Les Miserables! They will not be singing that rousing chorus at the barricades with Russian bombs raining down on their heads. I suggest you check your sources once again. Senator McCain! I suspect Obama plagiarized some of your work. If so, both of you can expect to fail this class. Speaking of musicals, President Obama, your wife is First Lady, not Evita. I want this book report done over. It’s not fit to line the floors for a puppy. A puppy would detect the flawed policy. I want you to take out your notebook and a pencil. Write 500 times: “I will not plagiarize the work of neo-cons and other warmongers.”
Hellu2019s Angels Best Price: $3.30 Buy New $9.95 (as of 09:40 EST - Details) How about presidential candidates? Sure! “Jeb Bush, please stand up! Now, class, this is Jeb Bush. His brother was a poor student and never achieved a touchdown at the Iraq-American Football Game and those were his admirable qualities. Be that as it may, tell us this, Jeb. What qualifies you to be President of the United States aside from family name, hmmm? I mean, if name-brand recognition was what we were after in a president, why, we could just elect a box of macaroni-and-cheese to the highest office in the land, yes? So, then, would you care to come up and solve the Middle East problem on the blackboard?” “Uhhhh….” “Indeed. I thought not. Sit down, heir-to-the-throne, and take out your notebook and pencil. Write 500 times: “I will not disrupt America with another Bushdom.”
Finally, the rubber would meet the road. “Class! I am highly disappointed in all of you! Why, why, not even Hillary can FIND her homework! Yes, ‘the dog ate it, I deleted those emails’, right. We have Senators that cannot find Iran on a map! How can you expect to win a war with Iran when you can’t find the country on the map!? We have Congressmen who think the difference between Sunni and Shi’ite are weather conditions! Here’s a president that went golfing during the final exams! Let’s not overlook the presidential candidates who knew less about United States Constitutional law than high school sophomores in Russia! Is it any wonder John Boehner dropped out? Now, this is simply inexcusable! All of you fail. None of you can be in politics. Please see the career counselor on the way out. There’s some great opportunities for you all as sign-twirlers, shopping cart bounty hunters, and urban recycling engineers. Good day…”