All Hail VW: Heroic Resistants Against the Green Tyranny!

Who’d want to buy a VW right now?

Me, for one. The VW I currently drive is, by some margin, the most exciting car I’ve ever owned.

It’s a Golf Four-Motion which I picked up for a song on Ebay. From the outside it looks deceptively ordinary: just the standard, boxy Golf body with no distinguishing marks or features to tell you how secretly evil it is. But underneath the bonnet is a ludicrously inappropriate 2.8 litre V6 engine. On a Golf. Imagine!

It goes like a rocket. Or rather – as the bloke who sold it to me so exquisitely put it – it goes like a stabbed rat. The Little Green Book ... James Delingpole Best Price: $5.70 Buy New $19.99 (as of 06:30 UTC - Details)

And it corners quicker than a Thomson’s gazelle out-turning a cheetah. Or something similarly impressive. (Note to US readers: a ‘corner’ is a bit like you experience when you turn your steering wheel slightly in order to pull off the freeway, only more dramatic and exciting).

Anyway, you may gather that eco-friendliness wasn’t the first thing on my mind when I bought my Golf. As is the case, I would suspect, with about 99.99 per cent of VW drivers. Sure we’ve no objection to breathing clean air; and The Deliberate Corrupt... Tim Ball Best Price: $13.74 Buy New $16.64 (as of 11:20 UTC - Details) we’ll accept a bit of extra fuel economy if they insist (not that it really matters now that petrol is so cheap). But if it’s a trade off between on the one hand speed, comfort and value for money and on the other, the odd cute baby polar bear cub, than I’m sorry but I think I speak for all of us when I say: “Hasta la vista Baby Polie”.

After all if we wanted to engage in fatuous green virtue-signalling we wouldn’t have bought a VW, we’d have got a Prius.

The Prius is the sort of car they would have built in Enver Hoxha’s Albania, if Enver Hoxha’s Albania had been capable of making anything other than tractors. Worthy, uncomfortable, and possibly quite unnecessary, a Prius is the motoring equivalent of a colonic irrigation. Whereas the car I drive – my Golf Four-Motion – is much closer in character to a really well administered blow job.

Climategate: A Veteran... Brian Sussman Best Price: $1.99 Buy New $46.12 (as of 08:00 UTC - Details) And that’s a quality I appreciate in a car. Since I got my Golf Four-Motion, boring chores like trips to the shop to pick up some milk have been transformed. A free blow job on the way there; a free blow job on the way back. What’s not to like?

VW are welcome to use that line in their next ad campaign if they like. But I expect they won’t because right now they’ll be concentrating on keeping their heads down.

It’s true though. VW makes cars for people whose main priority is cars, as opposed to people who want to show how guilty they feel about doing something quite as disgusting as driving.

Which is the real reason, I suspect, that they ended up being targeted by the green Gestapo, in the form of the Environmental Protection Agency, which has caught VW out doctoring their emissions tests to make their cars look greener than they actually are. (Invented by Hitler; destroyed by the green Gestapo. Oh the irony!)

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