So, continuing on with skewering America’s Funniest Homeland Phrases, let’s examine this old warhorse, if you’ll pardon the pun: “Freedom isn’t free”. Wow, snappy, huh? I wonder how many post-it notes and crayons they went through scribbling that one, what with all the rough drafts and all? Hmmm…so freedom isn’t free? Then what is it, exactly? A pay-as-you-go plan? A rent-to-own thing? Ah! No, I’ve got it! It’s a payday loan! I knew I’d figure it out!

Yes, yes, I know what they mean. This one is always trotted out when the U.S. is discussing yet another episode of mass slaughter in the vast charnel house they call the Pentagon. I read the phrase just yesterday in a “letter to the editor” on the opinion page of the local paper. Freedom isn’t free, you guys! That’s why we need to attack Iran! That’s why we need to attack, uh, well, those people over there with unusual Against the State: An ... Rockwell Jr., Llewelly... Best Price: $5.02 Buy New $5.52 (as of 11:35 UTC - Details) and exotic headwear! Those people eat flatbread! We need to defend mom, pick-up trucks, lame country songs, and apple pie! What if apple pie isn’t Halal?! Indeed, there is a lot to defend. I heard one of the aforementioned lame country songs extolling the virtues of the “men who died” so we could enjoy fried chicken, blue jeans that fit appropriately, and cold alcoholic beverages. Almost makes me shed a tear at the deli counter of the supermarket when I’m buying hot wings.

Freedom isn’t free, huh? Wow, who knew? Say, do they still have that old double coupon thing going on? You know, maybe for every soldier we lose in another insane war, we can get credit for having lost two of them. “We won the war, Amereeka!!” No, you didn’t! It’s Tuesday! Double Coupon Day! We get credit for two decisive battles, not one! I still can’t find the payment kiosk downtown to make my Freedom Payment. They mailed me a Five Day Notice. Actually, I’m looking for the receipt. I’d like to take it back for a refund of my tax dollars. I think I can find freedom at a lower price somewhere else.

But, look, you know what it reminds me of? Hey, remember the Carthaginians? Yeah, that was way, way back, before the Nixon days, too. Anyway, Carthage and many other ancient governments in the region had this child sacrifice thing going on. They required everyone to pony up their first-born infant to the cult of whatever iteration of the god that demanded this “freedom isn’t free” payment plan. Usually someone like Baal, Chemosh, or Molech, the heavy-hitters of the regional idols. It’s American Idol! The priesthood, who was in cahoots with the government, told the people if they didn’t offer up their kids to this false god, all kinds of calamities would befall them. Including losing crucial wars! Hmmm…the more things change, the more they stay the same, huh? Right, and the warvangelicals as much as they claim to be against idolatry have been snookered by one of the oldest rites of it: The child sacrifice cult. Swords Into Plowshares... Paul, Ron Best Price: $4.00 Buy New $15.99 (as of 11:36 UTC - Details)

Oh, come on now, Jack! You’re been smoking Freedom fries again! No, hear me out here. We are told that in order to assure our alleged freedom, we must send our children off to die in whatever war the government deems necessary to accomplish that. Even when it is obvious to all but a few people residing as hermits that these wars have absolutely nothing to do with freedom or self-defense whatsoever. Therefore, it becomes obvious this is a child sacrifice cult. The sacrifice of one’s offspring guarantees freedom, mom, apple pie, tight-fitting denim pants, and deep-fried poultry. This is what we are told! See this for what this is! People are sacrificed to the false idols you see elected that tell you this very thing. “So…why are we sending troops over to Forgottenstan again? They haven’t got an air force or navy and their society is somewhere in the tenth century.” “You TRAITOR! Because freedom isn’t free!!!” End result? Same as Carthage: Dead kids.

At least Carthage didn’t gussy it up in nonsense, though. But, yeah, this whole “freedom isn’t free”, I’m not buying it. Again, pardon the pun. Seems to me this is the ultimate loan shark operation. It never, ever, gets paid off. “Sooo…where are we at on the freedom payments, hon?” “What?! I thought we had that paid off in 1945!?” “Nooo…this bill just came in the mail. Says we still owe.” “This is ridiculous! How did we get fooled into buying this anyway?! Payments for Korea, Vietnam, Lebanon, Iraq, Afghanistan, and now they’re saying we might have to do Iran, too?! We can’t afford this! My gosh, just look at the interest they’re charging us!”

Man, why didn’t I think of this? I could have gone door-to-door with this shtick, selling Freedom Permits that allow you to eat apple pie and fried chicken and wear blue jeans. “Bartender, I’ll take a cold beer!” “Can I see your Freedom Permit? And not a fake one, either…” It’d be Fire Tablet with Alexa... Best Price: $25.56 (as of 08:20 UTC - Details) too hard to sell, though. People would ask what this Freedom Permit costs and when you told them the price was their kids coming home in a flag-draped casket, they’d give you the high hat, for sure. But let the government suggest it, they’ll all but sign up their kids their own selves. In fact, if parents had the ability to enlist their kids into the military, it’d look like a 3am Black Friday line outside the Big Box store with the only electronic games in town.

So, here we go again, folks. Freedom isn’t free. Of course, one notices the children of Senators and Congressmen (not to mention Presidents) somehow get the bargain rates on that. They must get their freedom from the 99 Cents stores. I looked there and couldn’t find any freedom. But I found some great sandals! Ah, well, those sandals will carry me further than this government will, I’ll say that for them. Say, who’s got the Freedom fries? I just got some fried chicken the United States lost an entire infantry division to secure.

The Best of Jack Perry