Clover Taxonomy VI – The Last Word?

It may be the fluoridation of the water. Possibly the chem trails. Perhaps it is an assault at the micro-genetic level. Who can say?

Whatever the source, Cloverism is propagating. There are more of them all the time, it seems. And an ever-increasing variety, too. I thought five chapters (see herehereherehere and here) would cover it. But it seems there are still a few more subsets to document:

* The Defensive Driving Clover –

He is steeped deep in the learned passivity taught by government “driving” schools and propagandized by their official adjunct, the DMV. If any one thing defines a Clover, it is his reverence for this concept – for the idea of never taking the initiative, never relying on his own judgment – but instead always obeying The Law to the letter, regardless of the sense of doing so. This Clover will sit at a red light all night long, if need be. He will never tread over the double yellow – even for the 10 yards it takes to pass that Amish hay truck crawling along ahead of him at 8 MPH in a 45. But most of all, he expects – demands – that everyone else be just as passive – as “defensive” – as he is.

* The Herky Jerky Clover –

This Clover stabs the gas – and then the brakes. Repeat. Over and over and over again. Smoothness is a concept foreign to this Clover. His stabby braking – and equally sudden bursts of acceleration – create an accordion effect that wastes gas, burns up clutches and brake pads. It also wastes time as traffic slows abruptly – the starts up again – for no apparent reason. Probably, the advent of the automatic transmission is inadvertently responsible for the proliferation of this species of Clover – since it made it possible for people who otherwise couldn’t drive at all to pretend they can.

* The “Break Your Car” Clover –

This Clover rails against using more than 50 percent of a car’s performance capability on the theory that to do so constitutes abuse and will result in the car’s premature demise. He therefore buys a car with a 300 hp V-6 and drives it as though it had no more than a 150 hp four under its hood. Why won’t he just buy a car with a 150 hp four? Because then he’d have to drive it as if it were powered by a 60 hp three cylinder – and that’s too slow, even for Clover.

* The roundabout stop Clover –

Someone ought to tell Clover that the whole point of having roundabouts is to get rid of stop signs – and the need to, you know, stop.  Clover, of course, loves to stop. It’s his next most favorite thing (after slowing down). Clovers look for reasons – excuses, to be precise – to stop. And will do so even when there’s no reason to – as when entering a roundabout. They also like to stop when there’s a school bus on the other side of a divided highway – and a quarter of a mile away.

* Q Tip Clover –

At first, you’d swear the car ahead is driving itself. The Google car! Except Google probably wouldn’t use a ’95 Oldsmobile Achieva as the platform for its driverless car. So, you look again – and see the little puff of white hair just barely higher than the headrest. It’s Q Tip Clover – on his way back from the veterans of the Spanish American War meeting down at the legion hall. He fought for freedom… and now feels free to make you wait.

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