Help! I'm Being Stalked by the Republicans!

by David Franke

Recently by David Franke: The Good Old Days: LiberalVersion

Living in a swing state like Virginia in 2012 guarantees you will be stalked with obscene phone calls ("Mitt really cares for you, David, he wants to see you this Wednesday in Leesburg," etc.) from the Republican National Committee and every other assorted elephant front. I have never experienced anything like this. Literally, at least 10 calls a day….

What gets me — why am I only getting calls from the Republicans? Don't the Democrats care about me? I mean, I get emails every day from Barry, Michele, Joe, the entire membership of MoveOn, and that hot Debbie chick from Miami, but nothing says "I love you" like a telephone call. Okay, as they reminded me yesterday, "Your contributions so far this year are $0" and maybe that has pissed them off. Debbie, call. There are ways you can get me to vote for O. Call and start talking dirty to me, I know you're good at that. I watch you on MSNBC.

And why do the Republicans think I'm fair game? I haven't voted Republican in November since 1984. That was in the last century! Since then I've voted for the Democratic presidential candidate twice, for the Libertarian three times, and for Ralph Nader once. Don't they ever give up? What's this nonsense about elephants having such good memory?

Oops. Could it be that I'm on Republican lists because I was a Republican delegate in my city during this year's primary? Could the Republicans be that good at record keeping, when they were so terrible at keeping the books during the eight years of Dubya? Guys, that indiscretion during the primary was for Ron Paul, not for any run-of-the-mill corrupt Republican politician like Mitt. And the day after Ron Paul's campaign folded, I left the Republican Party again and took a hot shower for two hours. Have mercy — isn't there some way you can stop the stalking and cross me off your sucker lists?