I Want a Job With the Fed

     

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing in response to a job posting on www.beapatriot.gov for a new Federal Reserve Chairman. I would like to submit my rsum for consideration.

Since graduating with my B.A. in 2000, I have gained valuable work experience in a variety of fields, such as nonprofit, firefighting, and building security. Though I have not had much experience with monetary policy, my skill set would be highly transferable to the work I would be doing in Washington. Having studied the mission and history of the Fed extensively, I know that, despite my eclectic background, I would be a great fit with your organization. Allow me to tell you a little bit about professional background.

As a junior in college, I interned at Fly Free, a nonprofit whose mission was to save the bald eagle from going extinct. My main accomplishment was coming up with the idea for their "Promise to America" campaign. The promise was this: "We'll give you a dollar for every bald eagle you don't shoot." It was about simple incentives: Give Americans the right incentives, and they'll do what you think is best. Well, the program became very expensive. The nonprofit had to borrow money to pay for it. Then no one would lend them money anymore, so I came up with the idea to put scratch-n-sniff, bald eagle stickers on Monopoly dollars and send those out instead. A few people called in to complain, saying their dollars were fake. I would say: "No they're not." The number of bald eagles saved is still unknown, but I learned a lot about public relations.

When I graduated from college, I craved adventure, so I worked as a firefighter in Colorado. My mission was to protect the wildlife and natural resources from forest fires and to reduce the threat to human lives and property. When I was first hired, I conducted a controlled burn at a national park to decrease the likelihood of a more serious fire. The controlled burn burned uncontrollably, turning into a more serious fire. I received a promotion, a 20 percent increase in salary to supervise the additional workforce, and thousands of dollars in federal aid to deal with the fire. Plus, it stimulated the economy: More jobs for firefighters! I guess that's what you call the "law of unintended consequences."

During this time, I was also in charge of directing pre-fire suppression activities in a nearby town, such as removing vegetation adjacent to structures and thinning out trees to break up potential fuels. Afterwards, I doused the structures with gasoline and decorated the branches with red, white and blue paper lanterns. The whole town burned down.

Then I created a team to liaise with local business owners at a still-standing strip mall that wasn't doing too well, identifying common goals and working together to meet community objectives: My team set fire to the strip mall and received a 10% cut of the insurance checks. Then we torched a "Ron Paul 2012" billboard just for kicks. What a summer! Local business owners wanted me to run for mayor, but I felt I was destined for bigger and better things.

After my stint as a firefighter, I had a nice nest egg, so I decided to do some traveling in Europe. I ended up obtaining a job as the Head of Security at the Louvre. There, my mission was to protect the priceless works of art from theft and damage. Because I had unchecked and unparalleled access to the collections, and because it seemed to me that that most of those pretty pictures would garner a pretty penny, I began to network internationally with art lovers during the day and became well versed in art "dealing" at night. I was careful to replace every work of art that I sold with a dead ringer imitation so as not to deprive the public of the pleasure of enjoying these treasures of human civilization.

The French Ministry of Culture did begin to suspect something was up after they noticed all of those armored vehicles pulling up to the loading dock night after night, but when they called me out on it, I reminded them of the dangers inherent in the politicization of art, and the need for the world of art to remain independent of all things political, like questions about force and fraud. The Ministry backed off. When they decided they wanted to go to war with some Middle Eastern country, I fronted them the money out of my lucrative earnings and they have left me alone ever since. In fact, my friends at the Ministry have recently been egging me to lead the E.U. or the U.N. or some other pseudo-governing body, but I felt I was destined for even bigger, even better things.

As for my current professional objectives, I thought about running for President of the United States, but I wouldn't like that kind of spotlight. I wouldn't want to be accountable to the American public. I wouldn't want to hear their whiny, little voices all the time or have to explain what I'm doing. I wouldn't want to kowtow to anybody. Then it occurred to me: The Fed!

I would very much enjoy the opportunity to speak with you at length about how I would regulate the United States banking system, maintain stability of the financial system, stabilize prices, and achieve maximum employment. (I also have some ideas about a perpetual motion machine that you might find interesting.) This job appeals to me because, in the event I encounter challenges that make it difficult for me to achieve my objectives, or in the event I appear to be accomplishing the exact opposite of my stated objectives year after year, I can simply call my critics conspiracy theorists, and will never have to answer for my inconceivable inanity, seriously questionable tactics, general moral sketchiness, and absolute incompetence.

A strong country requires a strong central bank, one full of super smart people who know how to run, not only the country, but the world. Beyond having a keen interest in the mission of the Federal Reserve, I simply want to be one of those people.

Thank you for your time and consideration. Please find my rsum attached.

Sincerely, Ellen Finnigan

Ellen M. Finnigan 1984 Orwell Street, Springfield, CO 91111 (911) 911-91111 ellenfinnigan@gmail.com

EDUCATION

State College

School of Arts & Sciences, Class of 2000

Bachelor of Arts

OBJECTIVE: To obtain the position of Chairman of the Federal Reserve in order to utilize my skills and grow professionally

EMPLOYMENT

Fly Free Washington D.C.

Intern ● Summer 1999

Mission: to save bald eagle from going extinct

  • Put nonprofit in serious debt
  • Counterfeited fraudulent money with scratch-n-sniff stickers
  • Number of bald eagles saved: unknown

Wildland Fire Assistance Springfield, CO

Firefighter ● June 2000 — July 2003

Mission: to suppress wildland fires; protect wildlife and natural resources; and reduce the threat to human lives and property

  • Started a fire that decimated wildlife and natural resources and threatened human lives and property
  • Burnt down town of Springfield

The Louvre Paris, France

Head of Security ● July 2004 — February 2009

Mission: to protect museum's art collections from theft and damage

  • Stole art
  • Sold it on black market
  • Made a killing
  • Ruined world-famous art collection forever

References Available Upon Request

February 5, 2010