The TSA: Always There To Help

After eight interminable years, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has finally done something right.

Yep, I’ll wait while you pick yourself up off the floor. Shocks like this don’t come along every day.

OK, here it is: the TSA has informed "All … employees" that "we are not first responders to a [medical] emergency and we cannot allow a distraction during our critical mission."

Yee-haw, what a relief! Should we faint from hunger after hours in the checkpoint line, we needn’t fear that incompetent LaWanda and her blue gloves will waddle to our side, hustling us into eternity at warp speed ("Whatsa matter witcha, huh? You a terrist, tryin to detrack me? Git up, lessen you want me to detain yo sorry as — Oh, wait, you be havin a heart attack, huh? Yo, stand back, ever’one, I seen this on TV, lemme just punch him hard in the chest, like this — ooomph — "an’ again…").

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Indeed, the TSA has put teeth into its advice that LaWanda "announce or call 9-1-1 immediately" rather than descend on us herself by reminding her that "providing emergency care as a Good Samaritan, is working outside of your job description and you are not covered for medical or time loss through the Occupational Workers’ Compensation Program."

Thank God for the many lives this seemingly heartless directive saves! As Our Rulers add to travelling’s torments with such horrors as virtual strip-searches, hand-swabs, and a thorough groping for anyone who refuses, stress will fell more and more passengers. But victims now stand a fighting chance to recover, given that the TSA will financially penalize its inept idiots for helping.

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On the other hand, such a threat is hardly necessary: the agency’s recruits are notoriously, criminally short on compassion. These are the bullies who humiliated and hurt a little boy in leg braces by forcing him to walk without them, who compelled 71-year-old Robert Perry to drop his trousers after his artificial knee set off a metal detector, who fractured Lona Dunlap’s already-sprained ankle by ordering her to stand on it. Forbidding them to come to our aid is like forbidding a politician to tell the truth.

But the TSA lives to treat the remotest risks as not only possible but probable. And so it presumes a humanitarian may have infiltrated the ranks and warns him that though he "may voluntarily enroll in local first aid, CPR, and AED training programs," said "training must be on their [oh, how hilarious! The TSA presumes it has two humanitarians!] own time and at their own expense regardless of who offers the training." Fortunately, the TSA still protects us from its duo of do-gooders: they "may provide emergency care as a Good Samaritan only when excused from security duties by their supervisor or manager." Obtaining permission will probably require a good 40 or 50 minutes, what with having to flush the boss and his stash of whole-body scans out of the men’s room. That ought to give you a running start at getting back on your feet and staggering the heck out of there if you value your freedom.

Savor the irony as you go. The TSA worries that your medical distress may distract its goons from their "critical mission" of swiping your can of Sprite or bottle of shampoo. You can also vow to return the favor. Should one of its thugs collapse near you sometime, kindly step over him. And be very, very careful not to kick him as you do.