One day last week:
10:00 a.m. – Comrade Hank "The Knife" Paulson: Housing woes will last months, not years. (RGEmonitor.com blog entry.)
10:01 a.m. – Case Shiller index: Home prices continue acceleration downward, falling 15.8 percent in May from a year earlier, a record decline. Previous record set in April. Record before that set in March. It's a trifecta.
10:02 a.m. – Comrade Paulson: Economy is sound.
10:03 a.m. – Merrill Lynch CEO John Thain: "Right now we believe that we are in a very comfortable spot in terms of our capital."
10:04 a.m. – Merrill dumps bonds at 22 cents on the dollar, takes $5.7 billion write-down, to issue $8.5 billion in new stock as demand for suckers matches supply of one born every minute. Merrill hailed as heroes for coming clean. Still sitting on $43.7 billion of mortgage nitro. Short sellers send out call for blasting caps.
10:05 a.m. – Federales announce market price-fixing scheme to save Daddy Warbucks and banks. Marines mobilized to gun down short sellers.
10:06 a.m. – Capitano Lucas, locked and loaded, hiding under Alamo bed: Worldwide write-downs now past $400 billion. Chump change. At least $1.6 trillion to go. Buy gold.
10:07 a.m. – Comrade George "Bolshevik" Bush: The economy is resilient.
10:08 a.m. – White House: Comrade Bush starts signing Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac bailout in smoke-filled room full of bankers. Resilient taxpayers put on hook for $5.3 trillion in toxic mortgage portfolios. Reckless lending rewarded. Home mortgage limit raised past $600,000, spurring resilience in Fannie/Freddie mortgage portfolios, as they will balloon like roadkill, turning $5.3 trillion problem into $10 trillion problem.
10:09 a.m. – U.S. House of Ill Repute, between indictments, apologizes for slavery. Raises debt limit to $10.6 trillion, ensuring all citizens are enslaved to debt till hell freezes over. Low-income Americans of all races get special Tuskegee inflation treatment of hideous price rises.
10:10 a.m. – Nouriel Roubini, professor of economics at New York University: We are privatizing profits and socializing losses. It is "socialism for Wall Street, the rich and the well connected."
10:11 a.m. – Federales denounce Professor Roubini as enemy of the state. Marines sent in to effect arrest.
10:12 a.m. – Capitano Lucas: More guns and groceries, please.
10:13 a.m. – Comrade Ben Bernanke: Federal Reserve to extend loan program for gang of market manipulators: its primary Wall Street dealers. Resilient working stiffs on hook for trillions more.
10:14 a.m. – State Department announces sale of Manhattan to Abu Dhabi, considers merger of Singapore and California.
10:15 a.m. – Commerce Dept.: Economy grew 1.9 percent in second quarter. Credits tax stimulus checks.
10:16 a.m. – White House: Deficit will explode to $482 billion next year. Blames tax stimulus checks.
10:17 a.m. – Capitano Lucas: Resilient taxpayers on hook for $482 billion more. Get permit for Alamo bunker expansion.
10:18 a.m. – Tampa strip club owner says more women willing to give pole dancing a try. Credits economy.
10:19 a.m. – Wanted: The Alamo is now accepting applications for wenches. Lusty demeanor. Hands-on job. Will train. Ask for Dick or Pedro.
10:20 a.m. – Comrade Barack Obama announces economic stimulus plan, proposes sending in Marines to loot oil companies and bribe American households with $1,000 checks. Thousands with pitchforks and torches chant, "Yes, we can!"
10:21 a.m. – Comrade Obama announces energy plan. Centerpiece of platform: Drivers must put more air in tires. Thousands cheer and faint.
10:22 a.m. – Comrade John McCain invades Panama. Sends in country star to whip up crowd before thousands nod off.
10:23 a.m. – 51,000 lose jobs. Six-month body count now nears a half million.
10:24 a.m. – Comrade Bush finishes signing bank/homeowner bailout plan. Centerpiece: A hotdog in every pot, one used bicycle and a 30-day supply of rice and beans. Sends tab to resilient American workers. Return mail: Address Unknown.
10:25 a.m. –
August 2, 2008