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NAEI Scholars Identify Real Culprit in Middle East Woes: Francis 'Fortunate Son' Guillory

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Thu Nov 12, 5:33 PM ET WASHINGTON, D.C.

In a plot-twist worthy of an Agatha Christie whodunnit, American Enterprise Institute (AEI) scholars Richard Perle and David Frum believe they have finally unmasked the party responsible for America’s troubles in Iraq.

The unusual suspect?

Private First Class Francis Guillory of the 255th Infantry Brigade, Louisiana National Guard.

At a press conference held in a Georgetown café this morning, the two neoconservative commentators outlined the case against Guillory – who is the privileged heir to several homemade rocking-chairs and a coon-dog named Virgil.

“Some folks are born with a silver spoon in hand,” Frum said, commenting on Guillory’s decadence. “Lord, but don’t they help themselves?”

Yet the case against the 2nd-generation truck-driver turned global-policeman goes far beyond mere ad hominem attacks regarding his background.

“It’s clear to everyone,” observed Perle, “that the current Mideast quagmire has nothing whatsoever to do with AEI's ideological tenets – i.e., Pax-Americana, New-World-Order, Creative-Destruction, Captain-Ahab-Had-The-Right-Idea, etc., etc…

Therefore we have to look for a scapego – er, other possible explanations.”

Interjected Frum:

“And even a cursory look at Pfc Guillory’s record reveals a troubling, dysfunctional pattern dating back to Day One.”

A major mark against Guillory, Perle explained, is that the Guardsman has continually ignored AEI’s finely-crafted “cakewalk” strategy.

“Many critics of the war make the sweeping claim that the cakewalk has proven ineffective in Iraq – but they’re glossing over the fact that Guillory never actually cakewalked while in the field, not even once,” Perle observed sharply.

“Like Trotskyism, our cakewalk policy is a great idea – that hasn’t been tried.”

And Guillory's supposed “service” omits another, even more important matter: Success. He is part of a vast, multinational force that was given the mission of eliminating Iraq's nuclear weapons program. Yet embarrassingly Guillory has not only failed to end said program but has failed even to find it.

Additionally, the National Guardsman’s progress in establishing secure, postmodern-style democracy in Iraq has fallen far short of the realistic goals he was assigned. Even today busts of Woodrow Wilson are depressingly few-and-far-between in Baghdad mosques.

Yet to date Guillory has shown no inclination to apologize to the American people.

“Really, it should come as no surprise to us that Private Guillory – a small-town working-class country boy – has the habit of evading responsibility,” Frum reflected bitterly. “But from where I and my AEI Band-of-Brothers sit, that sort of cavalier attitude just doesn't hold water.”

Per Perle, however, the most damning indictment against Guillory is not his conduct of the war, but rather that the 1999 graduate of Hackleberry High let the war happen at all.

“If he cares so much about America, then where was Guillory’s voice of conscience when people were foolishly equating the beleaguered and encircled Hussein regime to the mighty German Reich of the 1930’s?” Perle wondered.

“And all that stupid ‘Axis of Evil’ crap that was flying around, I never saw any op-eds from him that protested all that jingoistic rubbish.”

One reporter asked how Guillory’s voice – or anybody else’s – could have stopped the 2003 pro-war momentum, given that resistance to the invasion was shouted down by Republican partisan chants of “Smoking gun, mushroom cloud,” and “You’re lending aid and comfort to the terrorists.”

She also alluded to the intense, consistent hostility being then-directed by AEI scholars against all opposed to the venture in Iraq.

Slightly exasperated, Perle shot back: “I hardly think this is the time to dig up musty, ancient history about who called whom a freedom-unworthy traitor a couple years ago… you freedom-unworthy traitor, you. Remember 9-11. Stop lending aid and comfort to the terrorists. Remember 9-11.”

In any case, Guillory’s culpability stretches beyond foreign policy, as Frum hastened to point out.

“Where was this guy when Katrina hit?” he demanded indignantly.

“Doing his job as a Louisiana Guardsman, protecting the lovely people of the state of Louisiana from disaster and anarchy? Oh, but nooo. He was sunning himself at taxpayers’ expense, on a junket-vacation to Mesopotamia.

We’ve barely scratched the surface of his ‘Persian Excursiongate’, I’m afraid.”

Perle struck a slightly conciliatory note as he supposed Guillory “just doesn’t understand the pain people like him inflict on we of the long-suffering intellectual technocracy.”

Frum grudgingly conceded this, but refused to let Guillory off so easily: “I mean, I know this guy’s not a Yale & Harvard alum like me, but surely even an ignorant hick should be able to tell that winning hearts & minds is the whole essence of shock & awe? If only we’d killed more Iraqis at the very beginning, maybe they’d have learned to love us by now.

We spoon-fed Guillory, laid it out for him, step-by-step. Ricky and I announced as far back as 2004 in our book An End To Evil that we needed to put an end to evil, and overthrow the Iranian government as an encore to Operation Iraqi Freedom.

And yet two years and two tours in Iraq later, Guillory has not come even close to putting an end to evil – do you know how many muggings there were in Chicago last week?

And Guillory didn’t follow my recommendation about seizing Iran and remaking it in the American image, either.

And now – wow, we need this like we need a hole in the head – for some freakish, inexplicably-lunatic reason, it seems that in recent years a number of countries around the world have grown increasingly interested in acquiring atomic weapons and deterrent capability. Thanks to Guillory’s incompetence, vanity, and corruption, many countries no longer trust us to protect them from rogue nations.”

One could almost hear the quotation marks as Frum concluded with characteristic sarcasm:

” ‘Great’ job, Private First Class Guillory, in helping prevent the proliferation of nuclear weapons.”

On patrol in the streets of Baghdad, Guillory has remained tight-lipped regarding the attacks on his reputation. Thus far his only reply to the political firestorm has been: “[expletive deleted]!! Git down, git down!! Take cover!!”

And it later turned out that even this terse comment did not so much address the threatening criticisms coming from Georgetown as it did a barrage of grateful smiles, cheering Iraqi children, and confetti being brought to bear on his squad’s position.

The Imperial News Network “Bringing the glorious light of progress to your pathetically-backward little corner of the Hegemony."

November 14, 2006

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