Adolf Meets George

Herr Bush, if you don’t mind my saying so, you’re doing this all wrong. Getting Rice to say the insurgency in Iraq is kaput is to play all the wrong cards.

Well, Adolf, when your people get discouraged, you’ve got to give them hope, even at the expense of the truth.

Herr Bush, or can I call you Georgie?

Sure, as long as I’m calling you Adolf.

Well, Georgie, I told everybody we were winning in Russia. It was a big mistake. When the Russians arrived in Berlin, everyone asked what was up.

So what did you tell them?

I kept telling them we were winning. What else? My basic strategy was to stall and then lie. I had Goering say we winning. Then Himmler. Then Goebels.

So what should I do now? What do I do when they all find out Rice was wrong?

Well, you can follow my example. Have Rumsfeld say you’re winning. Then, Cheney. Then Rove. Sooner or later everyone will believe you are winning, even if you are not.

All well and good for you to say now. But if the bombs keep going off, what next?

Put the reporters in jail for not naming their sources. Lock up enough of them and before you know it, no news. And as you Americans like to say, "No news is good news." But shut up that Rice person. She’s more trouble than she’s worth.

But everyone likes her. She can lie through here teeth and still get away with it. She’ll probably end up president.

O.K., Georgie, so she’s quick on her feet. But sooner or later, she will get nailed.

By whom?

Good question. Like all great liars, like me, for example, herself will nail her.

You mean….?

Exactly. At some point, she will say the insurgency remains a serious threat. Someone will ask her how that could be when she already said it was kaput. Then, she will be in big trouble.

What should I do?

Do what I did. Yell and scream, and pound on the table. Have lots of people waving flags. Play martial music and salute.

And then?

Proclaim victory. By then, your term will be up and you can go back to the ranch, out of harm’s way. That’s better than blowing your brains out in the bunker.

Adolf, you’re a genius.

Georgie, it takes one to know one.

Richard Cummings [send him mail] taught international law at the Haile Selassie I University and before that, was Attorney-Advisor with the Office of General Counsel of the Near East South Asia region of U.S.A.I.D, where he was responsible for the legal work pertaining to the aid program in Israel, Jordan, Pakistan and Afghanistan. He is the author of a new novel, The Immortalists, as well as The Pied Piper — Allard K. Lowenstein and the Liberal Dream, and the comedy, Soccer Moms From Hell. He holds a Ph.D. in Social and Political Sciences from Cambridge University and is a member of the Association of Former Intelligence Officers. He is writing a new book, The Road To Baghdad — The Money Trail Behind The War In Iraq. He is a contribution editor for The American Conservative.