Kissinger Associates Client List

MEMORANDUM: From: Lawrence Eagleberger, Senior Associate, Kissinger Associates To: Henry Kissinger, CEO, Kissinger Associates Subject: Client List

Dear Henry:

As per your request, I am providing you with a current client list, FYI. I strongly urge you not to disclose this list, whatever the consequences to your objectives in the public sector to serve as Inspector General of the American intelligence apparatus, which, as you are aware, has consistently promoted our business interests around the world and which remains, under various guises, one of our most lucrative clients:

  • Osama bin Laden — Investment opportunities in Israel.

  • The Carlyle Group — How to use the CIA by providing it with cover globally.

  • The Government of North Korea — Nuclear power as the road to energy independence.

  • The Government of Russia — Investment opportunities in North Korea.

  • The Government of Colombia — Promotion of morphine as an alternative to heroin production.

  • The CIA — How to employ Kissinger Associates as a cover for covert operations globally.

  • Saddam Hussein — Opportunities for residential concealment of defense operations against Iranian attack.

  • The Government of Iran — The use of oil revenues to create a deterrent against an Iraqi attack.

  • The Government of China — Methods of providing campaign contributions to the Bush for President campaign.

  • George Steinbrenner — Recruitment of Kosovar outfielders capable of doubling as assassins of Serbian outfielders recruited by the Boston Red Sox.

  • Barbara Streisand — Opportunities for translating greatest hits into Pashtun.

  • Rashid Dasdun — Methods of obtaining information from suspected Taliban and Al Queda not permitted in the United States. Courses to be taught at the International Law Enforcement Academy in Bangkok (Teaching materials provided by Kissinger Associates).

  • Bernard Lewis — Worldwide promoting of "What Went Wrong" in Moslem countries, so they can learn how to be slavish, sycophantic admirers of Bernard Lewis.

  • The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia — Investment opportunities in Cuba.

  • Fidel Castro — How to get Cuban cigars past Customs into America (Customs officials learn to smoke them and enjoy them).

  • The Rockettes — Appropriate methods of performing in Moslem countries, excluding belly dancing.

  • The Israeli National Soccer Team — How to beat Brazil (Personally taught by Henry Kissinger)

  • William Safire — How to be sufficiently unctuous to Henry Kissinger.

  • Bob Woodward — How to reveal a sufficiently small amount of the truth to conceal a bigger lie (French to English translation of Roland Barthes provided).

  • The Government of Indonesia — How to run amok when necessary to increase U.S. aid and to get the IMF to forgive debt.

  • The International Monetary Fund — How to wreck the world’s economy, so Kissinger Associates can consult with Alan Greenspan on how to straighten things out).

  • The World Bank — How to make incongruous loans to bankrupt countries so Kissinger Associates can advise them how to avoid repayment.

This list is not comprehensive, but should be sufficient to make it self-evident that public service is not in the cards at this time.


Richard Cummings [send him mail] taught international law at the Haile Selassie I University and before that, was Attorney-Advisor with the Office of General Counsel of the Near East South Asia region of U.S.A.I.D, where he was responsible for the legal work pertaining to the aid program in Israel, Jordan, Pakistan and Afghanistan. He is the author of a new novel, The Immortalists, as well as The Pied Piper — Allard K. Lowenstein and the Liberal Dream, and the comedy, Soccer Moms From Hell. He holds a Ph.D. in Social and Political Sciences from Cambridge University and is a member of the Association of Former Intelligence Officers.

Richard Cummings Archives