The Wolf With No Wits

Once, there was a wolf with no wits. Although he had no wits, he thought he was the smartest wolf in the pack. And although he was the smallest wolf in the pack, he thought he was the biggest.

Alpha Male, the head of the pack, patted the wolf with no wits on the head and called him "Wolfie." He thought Wolfie was cute and let him do whatever he wanted. One day, Wolfie grinned at Alpha Male and said, "Let's eat up the world. When we are finished eating it up, there will the nothing bad left. We will be the only ones left, and because we are so good, good will prevail on earth."

"Great idea!"shouted Alpha Male in his Texas drawl. (Alpha Male wore a big hat but had no cattle.) "Let's roll!"

So Wolfie rounded up the rest of the pack and gave them their marching orders. "First, we will eat a place called Iraq. They are led by a Big Bad Baboon, so when we have eaten all the Iraqis, including the Big Bad Baboon, they can start over, doing good things and setting an example for everybody else."

"Hooray!" the others in the pack shouted, including Rummy wolf, Cheney wolf, Condoleezza wolf, Perle wolf, and, of course, Alpha Male, who led the cheering.

"That's not all," Wolfie growled. "We will find the Big Bad Baboon's toys and destroy them. No one but us is allowed to have toys like that."

So off they went in search of the Big Bad Baboon and his toys. But on the way, they met Ivan, the Russian bear, who ambled over to them, a cunning smile on his hairy face.

"Where are you going?" Ivan, the Russian bear asked, pleasantly.

"We are off to eat the Big Bad Baboon and Iraq. We will find his toys and destroy them,"said Wolfie.

"That sounds like fun," Ivan, the Russian bear, said. "Can I come, too?"

"I don't think so," said Wolfie. "We just want you to say it's OK to eat Iraq and the Big Bad Baboon, find his toys and destroy them, before he can use those toys against us first."

"But if I let you do that, you will eat all of Iraq without giving me any of it to eat," Ivan said. "Why should I let you do that? That would be stupid."

So, off they marched, leaving Ivan, the Russian bear, behind. On the way, they next met Monsieur Renard, the French fox.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"To eat Iraq and the Big Bad Baboon, find his toys and destroy them before he can use them against us," Wolfie explained.

"Let me come, too," Monsieur Renard pleaded.

But Wolfie said no, "We just want your support and encouragement."

"Mon dieu!" Monsieur Renard exclaimed. "C'est ridicule, ca. That way, there will be nothing left of Iraq for me to eat."

So they left him there and marched on, only to encounter Ming Li, the giant Chinese panda.

"Where are you going?" Ming Li asked, to which Wolfie gave his usual explanation. Of course, Ming Li, wanted to go, too, but Wolfie gave him the usual explanation, also. Angry and dejected, Ming Li slumped off.

"That's it," Wolfie rejoiced. "None of them can stop us and we get to eat all of Iraq by ourselves, including the Big Bad Baboon. We will have lots of fun finding and destroying his toys."

So they began their long march up the mountain to Iraq. But on their way, to their surprise, they encountered Ivan, the Russian bear, Monsieur Renard, the French fox, and Ming Li, the giant Chinese panda, as well as the Big Bad Baboon, himself.

"Another step, Wolfie, and you and your pack are dead meat!" they shouted.

"Are you gonna let them get away with that, Wolfie?" Alpha Male snarled.

Wolfie howled and bared his teeth, with all the others in the pack imitating him. They howled and howled, with Ivan the Russian wolf, Monsieur Renard, the French fox, and Ming Li the giant Chinese panda, all laughing their heads off at them. And the Big Bad Baboon laughed hardest of all.

So there they stayed for ages, Wolfie and his pack howling fiercely and Ivan, Monsieur Renard, Ming Li and the Big Bad Baboon, laughing back, heartily. Finally, exhausted from all his howling, Wolfie said, "Maybe we should eat something smaller first, like Nepal. It is threatened with a Maoist revolution and is known to have some dangerous toys."

"Right!"Alpha Male said, shaking a paw at Ivan, Monsieur Regard, Ming Li and the Big Bad Baboon and yelling at them, "But don't get any big ideas. I'll be back."

So off they went, in search of Nepal, poring over a map to figure out where it was, the sound of the laughter of the other animals growing fainter as Wolfie and his pack distanced themselves from them.

"I'm tired, too," said Ivan. "I'm going home to drink some vodka."

"Mais alors," Monsieur Renard joined in, "I'm going home to drink some wine."

The Bag Bad Baboon was left alone. "Oh, well," he sighed. "I might as well go home, too, and play with my toys."

But by the time he got home, he couldn’t find them. Little United Nations beavers had ferreted them out and had messed them all up.

"I will make some new toys," the Big Bad Baboon said.

"And we will come back and mess them up again, "the beavers chuckled.

Which is what happened, for years and years, until the Big Bad Baboon finally died. And no one ever heard from the wolf with no wits ever again.

September 23, 2002

Richard Cummings [send him mail] taught international law at the Haile Selassie I University and before that, was Attorney-Advisor with the Office of General Counsel of the Near East South Asia region of U.S.A.I.D, where he was responsible for the legal work pertaining to the aid program in Israel, Jordan, Pakistan and Afghanistan. He is the author The Pied Piper – Allard K. Lowenstein and the Liberal Dream, and the forthcoming novel, The Immortalists.

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