Dolphin Hijacking

I knew that laughter was my worst enemy. I contained it with effort.

Airport security guards are not known for their sense of humor. Still, the image would not go away.

With our two-year-old son in her left arm, my wife draws a gift-wrapped plastic dolphin-shaped water squirter from an oversized diaper bag hanging from her right arm.

“NOBODY MOVE,” she yells, “this plane is being hijacked.” Pointing the dolphin as she spoke, she adds, “Anyone who resists will face a watery grave."

There are no resisters. No one dares risk the violence of the water squirter. The passengers subdued, I bark instructions to a docile cockpit while my four other children (ages 5–11) bully passengers for loose change with their children’s scissors.

Back at the security checkpoint, a worker leaned over to the Chief and pointed out that the water squirter didn’t even have a trigger.

“No shape or form of gun,” replied the Chief as he placed the dolphin with the confiscated children’s scissors. I silently concurred: a plastic dolphin-shaped triggerless water squirter is “no shape or form of gun.” At least, I don’t recall seeing any dolphin-shaped or triggerless guns.

Perhaps I should visit more stores or read more gun magazines.

The Chief turned away, missing (or avoiding) the expression of embarassed disgust on his underling’s face. As he returned my carry-on to the x-ray machine for the fourth time, I realized that the flight crew had asked security about the struggling Black family several times now over the intercom. (This was an early morning low budget flight at a low butdget airport, and the security check came between the gate and the tarmac.) The Chief had all seven of us wanded, and dutifully checked my seven year old’s ankles for dolphins and other hidden weapons.

With six minutes remaining to departure and an impatient flight crew, I was relieved when the Chief finally cleared me to leave. As I gathered my children and things, I congratulated myself for resisting the urge to laugh at the Chief’s thoroughness.

“I need that gift back,” said my wife, pointing at at the gift-wrapped dolphin. Her voice reminded me that her temper was as dangerous in Securityland as my sense of humor (such as it is).

She had apparently missed the Chief’s prior incantations, so he somberly repeated: “no shape or form of gun.” I moved quickly to her side, but not before she asked when she would get it back.

“You don’t,” replied the Chief, “it’s confiscated. It’s going in the garbage.”

“It’s a gift for my nephew. All of his brothers and sisters will have a present and we need the dolphin so he won’t feel left out.” I was relieved at my wife’s tone of voice: she was incredulous, not (yet) angry.

The Chief was not moved with compassion for our nephew. Two of his assistants maneuvered to avoid a blowup, but not before the Chief put in his parting shot: “You put it in your carry-on luggage, didn’t you?” Of course. It was our fault. We should have put the dolphin in our checked luggage with our other weapons.

But stupid Chief or no, I was not about to lose our flight over a one dollar toy.

“We’ll buy a new one when we arrive,” I whispered.

“I’ll put it in the lost and found; you can look for it when you get back.” The Chief’s assistant was trying to help, but it only made matters worse. The Chief looked unhappy to see dangerous weapons rescued from the garbage, while my wife pointed out that we had no plans to return to this airport. Incredulity was giving way to stronger feelings.

While his assistants tried to soften their Chief’s blow, I tried the direct approach. “It’s a one dollar toy and we’re about to miss our flight. Please. We can’t afford to mess with security.” This seemed to do the trick.

Only after we were safely through security and in our seats did I allow myself to smile, then to laugh. After all, a plastic dolphin water squirter can be quite dangrous – trigger or no. I can see the headlines:

THIRD PLANE DELAYED BY COPYCAT DOLPHIN TERRORISTS Teens Call It a Prank; Grand Jury Indicts on 437 Counts

AIR PASSENGER CHARGED WITH DISTURBING PEACE Tied Up Dolphin Terror Teens; Endangered Other Passengers

HOW TO SURVIVE DOLPHIN HIJACKING Experts: Submit to Demands, Avoid Eye Contact

CONGRESS DEMANDS PLASTIC DETECTORS AFTER DOLPHIN HIJACKING Experts: Metal Detectors Not Enough

So travelers beware: keep your dolphins at home.

August 7, 2002