The Wizard of Is: II has obtained an early treatment for a movie that Monica Lewinsky is shopping around Hollywood. Her pitch is based on updating the classic MGM film, The Wizard of Oz. Last issue we presented Part I of her script. Part II of the treatment follows:

Monica, having left Medialand, comes to a crossroad on the Easy Way Out. Next to the crossroad is a field of organic corn with an old scarecrow (played by the actor who was Al Gore in Part I) on a post.

Monica: Oh dear! Which road should I take?

Scarecrow: Pardon me, the road to the left is a nice way. [Monica is startled to hear the scarecrow speak.] That would win you the support of minorities, environmentalists, labor, and feminists. On the other hand, it could cost you the soccer moms. Now, the road to the center — it’s pleasant that way, too. It will win back the soccer moms, and garner business support, but could cost you your base. And some people seem able to follow both roads. I’ve been stuck here for eight years trying to decide the right way to go.

Monica: Why has it taken you so long to make up your mind?

Scarecrow: It’s because I have no brain! My head is filled with straw.

Monica: How can you talk if you have no brain?

Scarecrow: I don’t know. Some people write entire books on the environment without having a brain. [Monica nods thoughtfully.] By the way, can you help me down?

[She assists him off his perch.]

Monica: What would you do, if you had a brain?

Scarecrow: What would I do?

[Breaks into song.]

I could wile away the hours Expandin’ government powers And talking acid rain I could tax your every dollar Until I make you holler If I only had a brain

[Dances with Monica.]

I’d be solvin’ global warmin’ Great policies I’d be formin’ And feelin’ all your pain

[Monica sings:]

With the thoughts you’d be thinkin’ You’d remember who was Lincoln If you only had a brain

Monica: Well, I’m off to Emerald City to see the Wizard of Is. He’s going to help me get back home. Maybe he can give you a brain! Do you want to come?

Scarecrow: That would be wonderful!

[During the dancing they’ve lost their bearings, and they head off willy-nilly back up the road Monica had just come down.

They wander off down a side road, and come to a swamp where they stop to catch crawdads. They find a tin woodsman (played by the actor who played James Carville in Part I) seized up and covered in slime. Through his rusted lips he tells them he needs hog grease rubbed all over him so that he’s nice and oily. After they oil his jaws, he begins a non-stop stream of talk. He tells them about growing up poor, and how it’s left him damaged.]

Monica: Damaged? But you look& [She looks him up and down.] Well& you don’t look sick, anyway.

Tin Woodsman: Listen. [Bangs on chest.] It’s hollow — no heart.

Monica: No heart? Why, that’s terrible!

Tin Woodsman: You’re telling me!


When a man’s an empty fellow He should be kind of mellow But I play a rabid part I guess cause I’m presumin’ I could be almost human If I only had a heart I’d stop spendin’ all my hours Trashin’ Gennifer Flowers And tearing Jones apart I’d cooperate on the double – Not pay off Webster Hubble If I only had a heart There’d be no more Corporal Cueball No longer would I stonewall Or call Ken Starr a fart I just might get some nookie From my little right-wing cookie If I only had a heart

[Setting off down the road together, they enter a rather mean-spirited part of the forest. Tattered social nets hang from twisted trees. Slimy drops of ill-gotten wealth trickle down onto the hunched backs of the proletariat. The throbbing, shamanisitc drumbeats of voodoo economics fill the air.]

Monica: Do you think there are any right-wingers in this part of the forest?

Tin Woodsman: Oh, I imagine so.

Scarecrow [shuddering]: What kind of right-wingers?

Tin Woodsman: Oh, perhaps some paleo-cons, or populists, or free-marketers. But mostly old lions, pro-lifers, and hawks.


Lions, pro-lifers and hawks, oh my! Lions, pro-lifers and hawks, oh my! Lions, pro-lifers and hawks, oh my! Lions, pro-lifers and hawks, oh my!

[A lion, played by the actor who was Bob Dole in Part I, leaps from behind a tree. The three friends cower in fear.]

Cowardly Lion: Roar. Roar. [He threatens them as they lay on the ground.] Come on, come on, I’ll fight you with a pen in one hand! [They cower further.] Roar. Giant tax cuts.

Tin Woodsman: You mangy ol’ pole-cat. Cut social spending to fund tax giveaways for your fat cat friends, hey? Always picking on things weaker than you are.

Cowardly Lion: Don’t say that! I’m terrified of people saying that!

Monica: You’re afraid of what people might say?

Cowardly Lion: Cowardly Lion is afraid of a lot of things. Cowardly Lion is afraid of his own poll numbers! Cowardly Lion is afraid of all the urinals being taken at the public restroom. He’s so scared that he hasn’t been able to perform properly for Mrs. Lion in months. [Sotto voce.] In fact, I can’t even remember where my den is located.

Monica: I’m sure the Wizard can help you find some courage. We’re going to see him at the Emerald City.

Cowardly Lion: May Cowardly Lion join you?

Scarecrow: Sure! Let’s go.

[All four head down the road. They eventually arrive at the Emerald City, and, after some difficulties and a makeover from Vanity Fair, find themselves waiting outside the Wizard’s inner office.]

Monica: Mr. Lion, what would you do if you were President of the Forest?

Cowardly Lion:

If I were Prez of the forest Not rep, not veep, not judge All my affairs would be private No Limbaugh, no Goldberg, no Drudge I’d command each thing in the forest Wear it star, wear it cross, wear it fez And the press would watch what it says If I, if I were Prez

Monica: Mr. President, you wouldn’t be afraid of anything?

Cowardly Lion: Not a thing!

Scarecrow: Not even an independent counsel?

Cowardly Lion: I’d give him a good trounsel!

Tin Woodsman: Not even a Grand jury meeting?

Cowardly Lion: I’d give them all a good beating!

Monica: Not even a flashed thong?

Cowardly Lion: My Viagra would make me strong!

[The man who guards the wizard’s inner office opens the door and tells them to go away. Monica begins to weep.]

Monica: I guess, I guess now I’ll never get home to DC. I might as well go back to Medialand, and tell them the whole sad story.

Doorman: Now, now, there’s no need to cry! I’m sure I can get you in to see the wizard.

[The door to the wizard’s  inner office opens, emitting clouds of dry ice smoke. After passing down a long hall, they find themselves in a room with a disco ball, leopard-print wallpaper, and shag carpeting. In the far corner is a heart-shaped whirlpool. In the center is a large waterbed, over which is a mirror. “Disco Inferno” blares from an 8-track quadraphonic stereo. The floating torso of the wizard appears before them. He has slicked-back hair, silk shirt open to navel, hairy chest, gold chains.]

Wizard of Is: I am the potent and virile Is. Who are you?

Monica: I am the sweet and sensuous Monica.

Wizard of Is: How dare you come before me! What is it you want from Is?

Tin Woodsman: Well, it all started with an over-zealous special prosecutor&

Wizard of Is: Quiet! Is knows what you came for! If you want my help I’ll expect some payback.

Monica: Payback?

Wizard of Is: Yes, yes& a very minor thing, really. The Wizard wants you to bring back the cigarette lighter of the Wicked Witch of the Really, Really, Extreme Right.

Scarecrow: Bring back her lighter! Why, you couldn’t even pry that from her dead fingers.

Wizard of Is: Go! And don’t come back without that lighter!

[Great clouds of tax return audits rise around the Wizard. The four companions flee the room in terror.]

End of Part II

Stay tuned for Part III, the conclusion of The Wizard of Is, next Monday.

August 14, 2000

Gene Callahan is a regular contributor to, and Stu Morgenstern is contributing editor at The Frumious Bandersnatch.

2000, Stu Morgenstern and Gene Callahan