The Wizard of Is: I

Her deal with Jenny Craig didn't work out. The handbags aren't selling. Her book is in the remainder rack for $1.98.

Now, with Clinton about to leave the White House, Monica Lewinsky figures she has just one more shot, one more shot at gaining some recompense for her humiliation, one more chance to get out her side of the story.

Callahan and Morgenstern, investigative reporters for LewRockwell.com, have been able to obtain an early treatment for a movie that Ms. Lewinsky is apparently shopping around Hollywood. Her pitch is based on updating the classic MGM film, The Wizard of Oz. The text of the treatment follows:

[Young, beautiful, and innocent, Monica Lewinsky sits alone in the bedroom of her mother's apartment in the Watergate Hotel. With a puppy-love stare she views a portrait of the President that hangs on her wall. String music sounds, and Monica begins to sing.]

Monica:  

Somewhere I’m not a bimbo Way up high There's a man that I dream of I think that I gave him a tie Somewhere I'm not a bimbo Friends are true They don't show up with tape gear Trying to entrap you If I could wish away Ken Starr Then I would leave my troubles far behind me Way above the press so high If Hill can be co-Prez then why, oh why can't I?

[Monica hears voices in the living room. She pokes her head out to see who it is. William Ginsburg sits with James Carville and Al Gore, who have come to find out what kind of a deal Monica would accept from Special Prosecutor Ken Starr. Monica's mother, Marcia Lewis, sits nearby, anxiously fidgeting.

The doorbell rings. Monica passes through the living room and into the entryway to get the door.]

Monica: Oh, it's you, Senator Dole!

Dole: Yes, yes, Bob Dole ran out of his "special" medication, and wonders if your Uncle Bill could lend him a little of his? Libby's waiting for me in our apartment down the hall, and without the medication… well, you've heard about my little dysfunction.

[James Carville looks out, and, spotting Dole, charges out into the entryway.]

Carville: I think I found me a u2018gator in the hog yard.

Dole [backing up]: Whoa, whoa, Bob Dole didn't come here to start trouble. Bob Dole just wants to be able to have a little hanky-panky tonight.

Carville: Why you son-of-a-swamp-rat! How could you make that kind of sick joke at the expense of this poor girl?

[Carville grabs Dole around the neck. Dole throws the pen he holds in his right hand at Carville. He misses Carville but hits Monica, who was attempting to break the struggle up, in the head. She swoons, and falls unconscious to the floor.

She has wild visions. The Watergate rises and swirls through the air. Outside her window, two Secret Service agents pass by in a rowboat, followed by the President of the United States in an El Camino.]

President [shouting]: Hey, babe, let's have an improper relationship.

[Next, a sixtyish blonde, riding on a giant cigarette.]

Wicked Witch [hacking]: I'll get you on tape, my sweetie.

[Terrified, Monica looks around for her dear companion, Tripp. But Tripp has joined the witch in the sky, and is laughing along with her.

The Watergate comes crashing down to the ground. Monica staggers out of the building. As she looks around, she sees she is in a strange land. Long-stalked flowers rise around her by the hundreds, their centers glowing as if they were miniature TV sets. The trees wave in the breeze like a forest of overhead microphones. Leaves flutter like stray pieces of newspaper and fireflies twinkle, a hundred flashbulbs going off. Strings swell. Monica looks up into the air. Descending towards her is a bubble of Revlon soap. From out of it steps a bald, middle-aged black man, wearing the 1998 Armani "Good Witch Costume," waving his magical job offer.]

Good Witch: I'm Vernon, the good witch of the Sensible Center. You've just killed the wicked Whitewater probe of the Extremist Right.

Monica: But I didn't mean to kill anybody!

Good Witch: But look, there it is, crushed under your… [Vernon surveys the building that has just landed] …extremely large house.

[From behind the plants, Monica hears the sound of keyboards clattering.]

Monica: What is that?

Good Witch: That's the Media, and this is their land, Medialand.

[As the Good Witch sings, the Media shyly emerges from behind the plants.]

Come out, come out Wherever you are And meet the young lady Who fell on a Starr She fell from the sky She fell very far And Kenneth she says Is the name of the Starr

Media: And Kenneth she says is the name of the Starr

Good Witch:

She brings you good news Or haven't you heard When she fell on the Starr A miracle occurred

Monica:

It really was no miracle What happened was just this: My skirt began to hitch My thong – a stitch Bill was in the same hall Feeling quite an itch Just then – a glitch: It was in Bill's last twitch Left a stain on my dress Reported by a snitch

Media: And what happened then was rich!

[The media joyfully dances through the conglomerate-lined paths of Medialand.]

Ding-dong the probe is dead The wicked probe The probe is dead Ding-dong the wicked probe is dead It's gone where Rose files go Below, below, below, hey-ho! It's in the trash they go So no one else can know Just what Hill knows Ding-dong the probe is dead Like Vincent Fost'r Shot in the head Ding-dong the wicked probe is dead

[Three residents of Medialand approach Monica.]

We represent the lobbyists' guild The lobbyists' guild The lobbyists' guild And in the name of the lobbyists' guild We wish to welcome you to media land

[Suddenly, in a cloud of tobacco smoke, a blonde woman, the one who Monica had seen riding on the cigarette, appears in their midst.]

Wicked Witch: Ha, ha, hack, hack, I'm Lucianne Goldberg, the Wicked Witch of the Really, Really Extreme Right, and I want to know who killed my sister, the Wicked Probe of the Extreme Right.

Monica: I didn't mean to kill the probe!

Wicked Witch: Hack, hack, I'll make you pay for this!

Good Witch: Aren't you forgetting something?

Wicked Witch: Ahem, ahem, yes, the leaky, ruby-red travel mug, which could keep my witch's brew warm through hours of listening to taped phone calls.

[She moves to fetch the Special Prosecutor's mug from the probe. It vanishes as she reaches for it, and appears in Monica's hand. The Wicked Witches tries to snatch it from her, but is repulsed.]

Good Witch: As long as she has that mug, you can't touch her.

Wicked Witch: Yes, I forgot the immunity the mug confers! But don't worry, my sweetie, you haven't seen the last of me. [She vanishes in another cloud of smoke.]

Monica: My, but people do come and go so suddenly around here! [She looks around, puzzled. The media have approached her, cameras flashing, microphones shoved in her face.] But how do I get all of these people to stop hounding me?

Good Witch: The Wizard of Is, he alone can help you. [Aside to media:] Of course, that all depends on how you define u2018alone.' [Media titters appreciatively.]

Monica: But how do I find the Wizard?

Good Witch: Just follow the easy way out. [She points to a road that begins just beneath their feet.]

Monica: Follow the easy way out? But what is the easy way out?

Good Witch: You'll have to discover that for yourself!

Media:

Follow the easy way out Follow the easy way out Follow, follow, follow, follow Follow the easy way out

[Monica skips down the road.]

Oh, I'm off to see the Wizard The wonderful Wizard of Is I hear he is a wiz of a wiz If ever a wiz there tis If ever, if ever he's sees a Ms. There's going to be some monkey biz Because, because, because, because, because Because of that horny leer of his Oh, I'm off to see the Wizard The wonderful Wizard of Is

[Exeunt omnes.]

End of Part I

Stay tuned for Part II, coming next Monday.

August 7, 2000

Gene Callahan is a regular contributor to mises.org, and Stu Morgenstern is contributing editor at The Frumious Bandersnatch.

2000, Stu Morgenstern and Gene Callahan