Ten Things the 'Straight Talker' Can’t Tell You

by Christopher Manion
by Christopher Manion

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Hello, this is John McCain. I have some straight talk to tell you, my friends.

1. In the past two weeks, millions of Republicans have told one another that they are so disgusted with George Bush that they’re going to vote for Obama and they’ll never vote for a Republican again. Well, my friends, I’m disgusted with George Bush too. I renounce him, Cheney, and all their works. I promise you a clear alternative – a truly revolutionary one. So don’t tune me out, hear me out.

2. Obama is a socialist and wants to take our country down. But Bush and Cheney are socialists too, and they’ve taken our beloved America down, major league, big time. There’s some straight talk for you.

3. Ron Paul is right. He has been the true maverick in this race, not me – and he is a principled one, to boot. In my old age, I have realized my many failings, and I cheerfully admit them to you today. I have called Dr. Paul to apologize, profoundly and personally, for smirking at him, making fun of him, and otherwise ignoring him during the primaries. I should have been his strongest ally. I apologize to all of you for not supporting him. I have assured him that I will welcome his counsel in my administration. And I promise that I will follow it.

4. If I had not so stubbornly rejected Ron Paul’s counsel in the past, I would never have supported the bailout, giving cover the Bush-Cheney-Paulson-Pelosi-Frank-Dodd-Obama Gang. I now renounce all bailout deals past and future and demand that the government stop the takeover of our economy and let the private sector sort itself out without government interference. It will be a rough ride but believe me, I have been through worse, and I have survived.

5. With regard to Israel, our government is doing everything wrong, in a bipartisan fashion. As a result, the U.S. is close to guaranteeing an unnecessary worldwide depression, as well as an illegal war. We do not have a security treaty with Israel, so it is unconstitutional for any American official to promise to defend Israel against attack until the end of time.

You know, there are so many supporters of Israel in Congress that I’m sure they wouldn’t object to my demanding a security treaty with Israel. I will insist that the country at large discuss and debate such a treaty and its consequences for a good long time. When that discussion has taken place, I will then ask for a vote of two-thirds of the Senate for its advice and consent. Under the Constitution, the Senate can either accept the treaty or reject it. If the Senate rejects it, I will treat Israel in the same manner that I approach every other country in the world – which I explain simply thus: I come in peace, as a friend.

6. Social Security is a fraud. For the past sixty years, it has divided families – the old against the young; it has defrauded families, allowing Congress to squander trillions of your hard-earned dollars on itself; and it has perpetrated a lie – that your family’s Social Security "mandatory contributions" are somehow being saved for you. They are not. They are all gone. Your government has spent every dollar. As president, I will insist that the government pay back everyone who has paid into they system at least what you’ve paid in, and possibly some interest. And then I will abolish the system – and I will encourage retired folks to learn to take care of themselves, to get to know their children again, and I will encourage children to accept some responsibility for their extended family. If we perpetuate this fraud, the young will be strongly tempted to euthanize their aging parents "voluntarily" – in order to avoid bearing a huge tax burden to support welfare for the elderly through an impersonal and fraudulent federal program.

7. I will pay for liberating your Social Security from government control by ending all illegal wars. Beginning with Iraq and Afghanistan, and moving smartly to Iran, Pakistan, South Ossetia, Taiwan, North Korea, and other potential conflicts, I will immediately demand that the Congress declare all the wars it wants to have, under the First Article of the Constitution – after a lengthy, public, and nationwide debate. The wars they want, I will lead as Commander in Chief. The wars they don’t want, I will end immediately. We spend more on defense than all other countries in the world combined. Millions of trough-dwellers in and out of government have made billions of dollars on this charade, and I will end it.

8. In 2007, Obama promised Planned Parenthood that the first bill he will sign is the so-called "Freedom of Choice Act" (FOCA). That proposed legislation would prohibit the states from adopting any legislation that empowers families (parental choice), informs women (allowing sonograms and consultation before abortions), allows free speech (sidewalk counseling), and gives women true choice by allowing alternatives to abortion to be offered in the same neighborhoods where abortion clinics thrive (usually poor and minority neighborhoods).

FOCA opposes all of these reasonable and commendable goals, so I oppose FOCA. I promise that FOCA is the first bill I will veto.

9. You all seem to like Sarah Palin, and so do I. But my neocon advisors insisted on taking advantage of her. They leaked to the press that she was "inexperienced." Well, Mrs. Palin is immensely more experienced and qualified than Obama, and more intelligent and able than any of the neocons on my campaign staff, so I have fired them all. I encourage Sarah Palin to bring to the White House the same independence and tough-mindedness she brought to the Governor’s Mansion in Alaska – and I congratulate her for insisting on the firing of that rogue cop who was so brutal, he even Tased his own son.

10. My friends, an Obama presidency will be Bush-Cheney’s third term. Haven’t you had enough already?

    Let me say a word about President Bush. I bear him no malice. However, I will deny his demands for a battalion of 110 Secret Service agents and their hundreds of support staff and millions of dollars worth of equipment after he leaves office. In our constitutional system, the ex-president is a private citizen. I admire Jimmy Carter, and I will authorize for Mr. Bush the same size of security detail that President Carter now enjoys. Of course, if Mr. Bush wants more armed goons around, he has plenty of money to pay for them himself.

There you have it, folks. Finally, this election offers you a clear choice: you can vote for Bush-Cheny-Obama socialism or McCain-Palin-Paul freedom. Thank God I have finally come to my senses and embraced the unadulterated and beautiful principles of liberty.

Now, at last, there’s some Straight Talk!

October 14, 2008

Christopher Manion [send him mail] is president of Manion Music, LLC, which produces copyrighted, royalty-free music collections for telecommunications media and commercial and hospitality sites that use background music or music-on-hold. He writes from the Shenandoah Valley, where he is a volunteer Spanish translator for local law enforcement.

Copyright © Christopher Manion 2008. All Rights reserved.

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