Diary of a Madman

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"Yes. I am the president of the United States of America. I know that, everybody knows that. It’s what they call me when I enter the room for a press conference. u2018Ladies and gentleman, the president of the United States.’ No one can question that. I was elected. Yes, it was close. But I won. Five to four. And by three and seventy-five votes in Florida. I can’t remember the exact number by which I won there, but Jeb has it on a piece of paper, somewhere. The closeness of the margin makes it clear to me and to the world that I was elected by God, not just by the people. Yes, I am the elect of God. They tell me Haile Sellassie was called u2018the elect of God, the Lion of Judah, Emperor of Ethiopia.’ But that was when he was alive. Now, I am the elect of God. And I am also the Lion of Judah because the fate of Israel is in my hands, not Ariel Sharon’s. I decide when, how and if there will be a place called Palestine and who its leaders will be, nobody else. I draw the u2018road map’ for peace, if I want peace, or the u2018road map’ for war, if I want war. Nobody else decides this, not the Congress, nobody, because I am the president, not just of America but of the planet earth.

"There can never be a just peace in the world unless someone rules it totally, and I am that person. Because God picked me to be that person, I will rule as I see fit, nobody else. Dominique de Villepin thinks he is Napoleon. He goes everywhere with a copy of his book, u2018The Hundred Days,’ his account of Napoleon’s return from exile. In fact, de Villepin, that slimy jerk, thinks he IS Napoleon. But he can’t be Napoleon because I am Napoleon. Because I am the leader of America, I am also the leader of the Free World. Isn’t that the case? Everyone has always said that. My dad was the u2018leader of the Free World’ so I have to be that, too. My mom tells me all the time that I am the leader of the Free World and my mom knows best. She looks just like George Washington so she must know that I am the leader of the Free World. So that’s that. Because I am, I am also the leader of France, which is part of the Free World because we saved them from Hitler and Stalin. So they must love us, right? They love McDonald’s, everyone tells me that. I love McDonald’s, too. Boy, I love those fries and those shakes. The burgers are neat, too.

"Anyway, because I am the leader of France, I, and not de Villepain, must be Napoleon because all leaders of France are, in a way, Napoleon, the greatest French leader, because he showed the rest of the world just who was boss. u2018Provided that lasts,’ his mom said. Well, it didn’t because he was French, and that is because God decided that the leader of the world could not be French if he was going to be American, the way God decided. So there you have it. I AM Napoleon. But I can’t be seen wearing one of those funny hats or the guys in the white coats might get the wrong idea and try to take me away.

"So here I am deciding whether or not to blow up the whole world, the world that I rule because God said I should rule it. How do I know that? Well, I talk to God every morning before my briefing by George Tenet, the head of the CIA. That’s quite an outfit, let me tell you. My dad ran it before he became the leader of the Free World and it gave him, shall I say, certain insights into the way the world should be run. We have this power because of the CIA, to do anything anywhere. Take Afghanistan. We set it up to be a sort of colony so we could run a pipeline through it, but a bunch of ungrateful crazies took it over and wanted all the money for themselves. So we had to get rid of them, right? I mean, wouldn’t you have gotten rid of them? They and these evil people there who blew up the World Trade Center and crashed a plane into the Pentagon because it drove them crazy that I was the elect of God and not Osaka bin Laden, who is REALLY crazy because he thinks he IS God. I’m not crazy because I know I am not God. I am His instrument to get rid of all the evil in the world, wherever I find it. And I find it everywhere, so I will have to get rid of everyplace, and quick. Before evil strikes again. Which is why I have decided to blow up Iraq. That’s one evil place, you betcha.

"Saddam Hussein hated my dad and tired to have him bumped off. How do I know? Because we were going to have HIM bumped off first, so he tried to do it to my dad first. You can’t just go around bumping off the leader of the Free World. Only we get to bump other leaders off, like Castro. Too bad they didn’t get that guy. Maybe we’ll get him tomorrow. I have to look into that. There’s no other way to lift the embargo against Cuba and not lose any votes, particularly in Florida. I don’t think that Executive Order prohibiting assassinations has any further validity because this is war, total war, and I have to act in totality to get rid of the evil that is everywhere, and it is in Cuba big time.

"Oh, don’t think for a minute that I will let North Korea off the hook and that little fool, Kim Jung Il, who thinks he is destined to rule the world because a little birdie told him so. Have you ever heard of anything so crazy in your life? When I get good and ready, and that could be tomorrow, I am going to nuke that yellow peril and restore belief in God there instead of belief in Kim Jung Il. They need God to straighten them out and I’m just the right guy to show them how, because as I have said over and over, God picked me and I talk directly to God. I was talking to him just yesterday and He said, get rid of the little idolater who thinks he is Me. I don’t take conversations with God like that lightly, so I know I have to do it. But not until I take care of Iraq, Syria, Iran, Somalia, The Sudan, and Lebanon.

"I will put all those places directly under my rule after I blow up Iraq and annex France. The Louisiana Purchase gives me the right to do that, because France was supposed to be part of the deal. Jefferson knew that but chickened out. He made his deal with Napoleon, but got intimidated. I would not have been intimidated because, as I said, I AM Napoleon. Yes, I am. I am Napoleon, nobody else can be that because I am that. I am. I am. I am. I am. I even put my hand inside my jacket over my stomach. I have been practicing that in front of the mirror, but I am having some trouble making my hair look right. Gotta get that right. The hair. Yeah, gotta get that right. I’ll get Laura to fix it.

"Hey, gotta call Rummy to start the war and attack Iraq. I like that. It rhymes. Attack Iraq! That’s good. I will do that. You bet. No problem. I will just pick up the phone, tell Colin to quit negotiating at the UN and then tell Rummy to start the action. What’s a veto if it isn’t mine? The hell with Chirac. Who is that anyway? Some French fool in a place called Paris. Never been there. Never wanted to go there, ever. It smells of garlic. I can’t stand garlic. I don’t like any kinda food but Texas food. When this is over I will make it a priority to get the French to eat Texas food. They will love us then. They will. And they will love me. Also in Germany. I will get them to eat Texas food. The Germans will love me. And the Russians and the Chinese I will rule them all wisely. Oh, yes. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Richard Cummings [send him mail] taught international law at the Haile Selassie I University and before that, was Attorney-Advisor with the Office of General Counsel of the Near East South Asia region of U.S.A.I.D, where he was responsible for the legal work pertaining to the aid program in Israel, Jordan, Pakistan and Afghanistan. He is the author of a new novel, The Immortalists, as well as The Pied Piper — Allard K. Lowenstein and the Liberal Dream, and the comedy, Soccer Moms From Hell. He holds a Ph.D. in Social and Political Sciences from Cambridge University and is a member of the Association of Former Intelligence Officers.

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