New U.S. Army Service Weapon

I see in the news the U.S. Army is looking for a new rifle. Supposedly, the army is thinking they need to go to a higher caliber than 5.56mm. Which means, of course, the army is seriously considering a couple 5.56mm rifles right now. One of them German-made by H&K. Right, put America back to work (pulling triggers, not making the rifles…)

Having repaired more M-16A1 rifles for the army than I care to remember, I think I can state what the parameters are for this new weapon:

1.) Must cost at least 3 times more than what the American civilian equivalent costs. If this cannot be accomplished, then contract must go to a foreign nation who can meet those standards.

2.) Weapon must be designed, tested, and approved by entities within the U.S. Army who are not soldiers or, if they are, are in places like JAG or Quartermaster.

3.) Weapon must function well under perfect conditions. In conditions less than perfect, well, that can be blamed on individual soldiers failing to clean it perfectly.

4.) Weapon must be a new caliber no one else on the planet currently uses. Therefore, NATO nations can be badgered into adopting it. But only after they’ve fielded new service weapons of their own in a different caliber.

5.) If new caliber with sufficient chambering problems and mediocre stopping power cannot be found, then default caliber will be 5.56mm but with an upgrade to make it jam more frequently and lose enough stopping power to fail to deter prairie dog colonies.

6.) Unproven designs with innovative new ways to jam or fail should be used. Therefore, at least a decade can be spent “improving” the weapon which will be deemed “long service life”.

7.) Weapon should be attractive enough to appear in numerous Hollywood movies where it will function flawlessly, mow down a thousand people with one magazine, and blow bad guys fifteen feet across a room, through a plate glass window, whereupon he will fall twenty stories on to the roof of his own car.

8.) Weapon must be attractive to civilians who will desire to own it, regardless of cost and regardless of the fact it is less effective for civilian use than a $299 12 gauge pump shotgun.

9.) Weapon must garner attention of Senators and Congresspeople who were either not in the military, or, if they were, had been navy or air force pilots, and, thus, be lobbyist-ready.

10.) Manufacturer of weapon shall not be held liable for going way over budget, cost overruns, or failure to provide spare parts of sufficient quantity once weapon is fielded.

Once weapon is fielded, appropriate war movie or TV series featuring it can be funded by the Pentagon.

The Best of Jack Perry