To the Empty-Nest Catholic Mothers Who Ask, “Now What?”

Several weeks ago, I received this poignant email from a Facebook friend (I have edited out identifying details):

Hi Leila,

I’m in need of a holy kick in the pants and am hoping you might be the one to give it to me.

After almost 15 years of playing on the same soccer teams, this afternoon my sons played their final college soccer game together. I’m soooo sad about it. It’s been such a joy to watch them work and play together all these years. One of those sons will be graduating in three weeks, and the other still has one more year. Can a Catholic Be a So... Catherine R Pakaluk Check Amazon for Pricing.

As my children grow into adulthood and leave (or prepare to leave) the nest—three live a few hours away, two of them in college, and our two youngest are a junior and senior in high school—I am feeling heavy-hearted as I ask myself and Our Lord, “What is my mission now?” I know my main mission is to “know, love, and serve God” and my husband, but for nearly three decades, that mission has been carried out in my “momastery.” The thought of an empty nest overwhelms me with sadness.

Have you ever felt this way? I would so appreciate any wisdom or insights on how to respond to these feelings in a holy and productive way that helps me to grow in virtue and be a blessing to my family.

I was moved by her note, and it’s familiar to me, as every Catholic mother who has watched her children grow to adulthood and move away from home understands the sentiments of her heart. My response to her is what I’ve said and what I’ve wanted to say to so many other women facing this season of life:

First of all, you are amazing. What a good mom.

My youngest is 16, the only minor we have left, and he is in high school. The pangs are beginning. I’m a happy introvert, so I didn’t think I would be affected so much thinking about our eighth and last child leaving, but I will miss him more than I want to admit, and I will miss this stage of life, even though I have plenty of grandchildren! It’s just such a different phase. So quiet. So out of my control. I truly hear you.

But the truth is that your job with your children is just beginning. No one tells us in advance (or maybe we just don’t listen) that it is much harder to be the parent of an adult than a child. The most excruciating anxiety, worry, and fears I’ve had in my life have to do with my adult children—because they are no longer under our roof, our daily schedule, our supervision, our legal authority, our “control.” When they are small and in our homes, we are able to control what they see, whom they meet, what they do. Every night, we know that they are sleeping safely, just down the hall.

But with our adult children, whether they are faithful Catholics or fallen away, the problems they face now are adult problems—huge, unknown, and spanning future decades. We can’t fix their problems even if they want us to (and many times they don’t want our help or advice anyway). And as we age, we are increasingly aware that we won’t be around to see, guide, help, or “rescue” them as the years go by. The weight of this realization is overwhelming. How the Catholic Churc... Thomas E. Woods Best Price: $8.00 Buy New $9.06 (as of 05:30 UTC - Details)

As the saying goes, “Little children, little problems; big children, big problems.” This suddenly starts to hit hard!

So, when they leave, it seems like they’re not only leaving us with “nothing to do” but also with more to worry about, exponentially, and no control over any of it.

But here’s the good news, and it is beautiful! And it is, of course, by God’s great design. Our babies leaving the nest, and our inability to form and guide them as we once did in the home, forces us in a new and necessary direction. Mothering shifts to advice-giving and mentoring (when they need it or will accept it), listening with compassion and understanding (hard-won by our own life’s battles), and hopefully advancing in wisdom on how to be there for them and when not to be there for them (holy detachment!), all based on charity, humility, patience, and prudence.

The good news of this new chapter is also filled with crosses, and you will be formed and shaped and humbled and even chastised more at this stage than before, which is not only good for us but essential as we approach our old age. The Lord, in His mercy (and through your adult children!), will show you all the dark corners of your motherhood that need cleaning and forgiveness, as well as let you see the good that He worked through you during those younger years.

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