Breaking/Broken News You Might Have Missed

Sometimes the news isn’t breaking, it’s broken.

Breaking/Broken News You Might Have Missed: sometimes the news isn’t breaking, it’s broken:

1. Las Vegas Raiders Traded for the Nation of Chad.

The owners of the Las Vegas Raiders have traded the storied football franchise for the country of Chad.

After announcing the trade–the first of a sports team for an entire nation–the spokesperson said, “The 16.8 million people of Chad will reap tremendous financial rewards from a great football franchise, and from the managerial expertise of the Raiders team.”

Chad’s incoming Management Team promised local elections will still be held in villages and urban neighborhoods, though all national policies will be in the hands of Management.

Once the Raiders’ new stadium has been completed, Chad’s Management Team has promised a national lottery in which the winners will be flown to Las Vegas and given box seats to a Raiders game and comped rooms and $100 in gambling chips at one of the city’s casinos.

“Manchester United was also in the running,” an unidentified source disclosed, “but the people of Chad wisely chose the Raiders.”

Chad’s incoming Management Team issued a statement regarding their plans for the nation. “We see a bright future for Chad as the gaming capital of Africa, a future that will greatly improve the incomes of Chad’s impoverished citizens.” The spokesperson also noted the “fantastic opportunities for local firms in Chad to manufacture Raiders swag and Raiders-branded clothing,” merchandise which is currently made elsewhere.

According to public opinion surveys, Chad’s citizens are unfamiliar with American football and would have preferred trading their nation for the Los Angeles Lakers.

2. Overloaded Ferry Capsizes in Indonesia, all Passengers Miraculously Saved

It looked like yet another capsizing-ferry tragedy in the making in rough Indonesian waters until a billionaire’s super-yacht altered course to pluck the 248 passengers and crew from the water.

The yacht’s captain relayed the good news that not only were all passengers and crew rescued despite the rough seas, “We not only were able to accommodate all passengers and crew in our guest cabins, we have a number of guest quarters that are still vacant and available for media and government visitors.”

The super-yacht’s chef is preparing a meal for the grateful survivors of lobster tail, caviar, quinoa with sliced truffles and fresh blueberry sorbet. “Luckily we just restocked in Bahrain,” the chef said. “Our entire staff is honored to serve the survivors a delightful gourmet meal to boost their spirits.”

Unfortunately, two pigs and six chickens appear to have been lost when the ferry sank.

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