Google Is What We Would Have Called “A Mooch” In Third Grade

You’re in third grade. You and your buddies have a friend with some cool toys. He lets you play with them at recess. You guys have a good time. It gets to be lunchtime and you and your buddies pull out your brown paper bags. Everyone starts to dig in, except for the kid with the cool toys. He didn’t bring a lunch. He wants some of yours and some of your buddy’s and some of your other buddy’s food.

Well, he’s been a lot of fun to play with, and he brought these cool toys with, and you don’t want him to go hungry, so you guys all share.

But then the next day the same thing happens. And then the same thing the day after that. And then he starts to get a little entitled about what’s for lunch, like your lunch is suddenly his or something.

So then one of your buddies calls him out on this behavior. And the kid with the cool toys starts saying how it’s all in the EULA, and how it’s your fault if you didn’t read the EULA carefully enough, and how there is implied consent to all that is in the EULA, as soon as anyone starts playing with any of his toys.

And the three of you look at each other like, what is this kid talking about.  When Google Met WikiLeaks Assange, Julian Best Price: $4.99 Buy New $1.99 (as of 01:25 UTC - Details)

You thought he was a nice guy doing you a favor, and enjoying your company. You had a really nice time together. Then once you let down your guard, he comes and tries to collect on the bill he thinks you owe him, but he never brought up to you before that moment.

Not only is it a surprise to you when he brings up this ulterior motive that he had in mind the whole time, but it also feels kind of creepy the way he turned your time together into a gimmick by which he could profit.

And nothing against profit – you buy the marked up baseball cards, at the baseball card store down the street, instead of riding your bike all the way to the mall, where they are cheaper. You understand profit; you like certain conveniences.

The kid with the toys knew all along that this was the plan, and he told you plenty about the toys here, and about his toys at home, and about some people he knows who like his toys, and a lot of positive stuff about himself, but in all of that marketing, he never bothered to share with you the most obvious information that he knew you would want to hear.

That’s a lie of omission.

Maybe it was buried in a EULA somewhere, and maybe there was some implied consent when you picked up his toy. Maybe you even said a cursory “yes,” when he said “If you play with my toys, you have to be sure to follow the rules.” And you probably should have asked more questions.

But the kid with the cool toys really could have been a lot more straightforward with you and your buddies.

Providing a free lunch isn’t really part of the deal when you go play with some toys that someone brought to recess. It’s kind of weird really. And if someone wanted to change the rules of the game to something weird, to be anything but straightforward about that change is really, really weird.

It’s a creepy thing to do to someone.

And by the next day, the kid has a nickname, and you sure don’t want to play with his toys anymore. By the day after that, the whole class knows his nickname, and word’s gotten around about his creepy EULA, and what he does after you’ve played with his toys.

And before you know it, he’s crying to his mom, who’s a lawyer, about the fact that they all call him “a mooch,” and won’t play with him anymore. Then his mom talks to the rather judicatory principal at your school, who works for the government, and the teacher gets involved, and she’s a lot like a police officer – this teacher – with how she acts, and before you know it, his creepy EULA becomes what the authorities around you say you’ve got to comply with, and they don’t let you call him a mooch anymore, and they tell you how important it is to share with others.

But no matter what those authorities all say, every 9 year old in that class knows a mooch when they see one and knows that there’s something off about that kid.