Doomsday Lite! As Seen On TV!

Hey, what does Germany know that we don’t know? Or, rather, aren’t being told by the government? Their government is telling them to start stockpiling food and water for The Doomsday Event (As Seen On TV!!!) No? Well, have a look.

Gosh, as much as America loves Doomsday, how come we’ve been left out of the loop on this? I feel like they threw an End-Of-The-World Party and we weren’t invited. Maybe they don’t want us to live through it. Do you think? Doomsday has always been a crowd-pleaser, so to speak, since the year 999 AD ticked over into 1000 AD. Of course, everyone was very disappointed when the world didn’t end as clerical authorities had promised. Worse, they were going to have to pay those taxes after all.

The plan is reportedly contained in a government civil defense document, which says that people should stock 10 days worth of food and water, energy, money and medicine that would allow them to stay put long enough for the government to respond. Huh, if that was to be proposed here, you better stockpile 15 years worth of supplies to await the government to respond. They’ll be hiding in their own bunkers which have a 100 year supply of Xanax. Think they’re going to come out of that crash pad and bail your sorry butt out? And why stockpile money? Who’s got the Doomsday Dollars?

I actually did a bit of “Cold War archaeology” and discovered that American fallout shelters were stocked with the following: Huge tins of graham crackers, smaller tins of hard candy-colored yellow and pink, cardboard barrel toilets with rolls of paper and blue sanitizer inside, Geiger counters, dosimeters, and cases of canned water. That’s it! No drugs like the government generously provided themselves with. And we only know about the Xanax. I bet they had some other stuff, too, as a result of police confiscations. Right, and we were supposed to stay in that rat hole for two weeks with graham crackers for supper and a cardboard barrel to crap in. Thanks, Civil Defense! And this group of geniuses became FEMA, by the way.

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I noticed that the German government has connected this prep scheme to Islamic terrorism. So, why ten days? Is that the projected days of taking cover from fallout, down from the two weeks of the Cold War? In other words, do they think someone has gotten a hold of some fissile material, a suitcase nuke, or maybe just found some highly radioactive material that can be assembled into a “dirty bomb”? Now if that is the case, you can bet your bottom Doomsday Dollar that our government won’t tell us that. They’ll wait until the weapon has been used and thousands are dead before saying, “Oh, we know who did it!” just a scant few hours after the attack. Like they’ve done in every attack. Kind of makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

I remember the Y2K freak-out where Americans thought a simple calendar click would manifest the End Times for us. Sadly, we forgot that it was only the Western calendar that did this. Lunar calendars were still in a different year. My co-workers said, “Are you ready for Y2K??!! Have you got food stockpiled??!” I said, no, I don’t need to stockpile food. I’ve got 100 arrows, 2 good longbows, and I know where all my neighbors’ dogs are. They’ll stop feeding the pooch early on and I’ll turn out great German Shepherd Jambalaya and Delta Dog Gumbo directly. Hey, with the right spices, everything is possible.

But I am still wondering what the German government thinks while ours is going into overtime telling us, “Hey, it’s all good, no worries, we’ve got this under control despite two major shooting attacks within the United States…” Well, I’m ready. Food water, plenty of tobacco, Bible, books, spices (you never know and dogs are more popular than ever), playing cards, poker chips, and other such necessities that the government attempts to control, tax, or regulate. I don’t think ISIS, Inc. can have more than maybe one or two nuclear devices unless the CIA had time to spirit them a couple more via clandestine arms shipments to the “Syrian moderates”. So I don’t think we’ll need to hole up more than two weeks tops. It won’t be Doomsday. I know, I know: Aw, shucks! But we might wish it was once the government pops the cork on the Patriot Act and declares martial law.

Maybe nothing will happen. Everyone will remain blissfully engrossed in cell phone conversations and walking into traffic, watching reality shows about hyper-modified celebrities, and the government will return to nagging us about enrolling in ObamaCare. But maybe ISIS is ready to try and top al-Qaida and become the new celebrity of international terrorism. Be that as it may, I am shocked that the government hasn’t used this opportunity to resurrect Civil Defense and then have another federal agency to dump billions of dollars into. Plus another method to force people to enroll in another government program by stipulating everyone has to buy into Civil Defense and have government-approved supplies on hand. Usually, our government never misses a chance to spend more money and force another draconian law or “program” upon us.

I suppose that this might just be Doomsday Lite. All of the fear but only a fraction of the casualties. I mean, seriously, if it’s just a terrorist shooting attack, why tell everyone to hunker down for ten days? The terrorists would need to have a truckload of ammo and a forklift to keep on shooting for that long. What’s the army going to do? Just look out the window, shrug, and say, “That’s a jurisdictional issue. We can’t intervene in local disputes. Any donuts left in the break room?” And they’ve projected a ten-day battle? Wow, there’s a Best By Date for it! The terrorists will say, “It’s Day Nine! We need to win or this war will go sour and we can’t get our money back!” I’m not sure what the store will need as far as receipts or what the return policy is on failed insurrections.

What happens if this possible “problem” goes into extra innings? Suppose it’s Day Ten and it looks like no one is going to win before Day Eleven or even Day Twelve rolls around? Can the government set up an emergency snack bar and send around some hot dog vendors to take care of restive crowds holed up in de facto do-it-yourself bunkers? They were told ten days. And we all know that if a government says ten days, what they mean is ten months. They’ll probably have to go around and collect skeletons after a year which will save money on leak-proof body bags. “Well, we had good intentions when we told them ten days and our experts predicted that number. How were we supposed to know that the squabble between federal and local authorities would get tied up in court for ten months before it was decided who should go out and battle ISIS?”

The end is near! Stock up! Everyone should have a ten day supply of salt-and-vinegar potato chips, Irish Breakfast tea, beef jerky, 500 rum-soaked cigars, ten decks of playing cards and several thousand pennies, and at least twenty pounds of chocolate. When people tell you that you can drink water from the toilet, they mean the tank, not the bowl. Make a note of that. And if the government finally sends you a civil defense pamphlet, keep it. Toilet paper could be in short supply when ISIS cuts off the toilet paper pipeline and brings America to its knees.