Finally, after at least a decade of white supremacy on campus, students of all colors are breaking free and screaming, “WE HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE BUT OUR CHAINS!” It took a lot of racism to ignite the unwashed masses of Ivy League students yearning to breathe free, but this is the week “Racial Discrimination Protests Ignite at Colleges Across the U.S.”

This revolution was born after innumerable attacks on visible minorities and everyone around them. A University of Missouri professor claimed on CNN that she’d been called the N-word “too many times to talk about.” I assume the context is the dean yelling something like “Hey, nigger, what are you doing in the snack room? Go teach your fucking class!” Maybe he has a whip, I don’t know.

Please Stop Helping Us... Jason L. Riley Best Price: $1.39 Buy New $10.68 (as of 11:40 UTC - Details) As far as documented cases go, there aren’t that many. This is likely because—as it is with rape—we’re told most cases go unreported. Two African-American women of color at the Huffington Post have diligently gone through the cases, and at the University of Missouri alone we have: a student in 2004 accusing black students of vandalism; a cotton-ball incident in 2010; an insensitive flyer in 2012; and “just this year” alone, we have two—count them, two—incidents of swastika graffiti. One of them was even made of poo-poo! That’s almost a case every single two years! It sounds like being black on campus is almost as bad as being short, having a harelip, or having once accidentally farted very loudly in class.

Wait a minute, what the hell am I talking about? When did black people become such incredible pussies? I went through more oppression being a punk rocker. Nazi skinheads used to hospitalize us for wearing the wrong shoes. Adios, America Ann Coulter Best Price: $2.00 Buy New $8.99 (as of 06:40 UTC - Details) Someone is rude to people who look like you every 800 days? Those are chains? Let’s go over this timeline of hate and try to understand the unprecedented fragility of the kids today.

Sept. 11, 2014

In a shocking example seemingly missed by the intrepid reporters at the Huffington Post, Payton Head, president of the Missouri Students Association and White House guest, claimed on Facebook that some rednecks in the back of a pickup yelled “nigger” at him. His claim turned into a diatribe about prejudice in which he explained that white students “are so privileged that you’ll never know what it feels like to be a hijab-wearing Muslim woman and Crippled America: How ... Donald J. Trump Best Price: $1.48 Buy New $8.97 (as of 03:40 UTC - Details) be called a terrorist or a towel head.” It’s worth noting that MSA head Payton Head has never had a hijab on his head nor has he ever been called a towel head.

Oct. 5, 2015

A drunk person at MU said “niggers.” He was apprehended and “moved from campus.”

Oct. 10, 2015

Frustrated by the lack of action from Missouri University president Tim Wolfe, black student activists calling themselves Concerned Student 1950 (a reference to the first black students at the school) blocked his car and demanded he address their suffering (presumably to the backs of their heads). The group included Fresh Prince of Missouri Jonathan L. Butler, who is reportedly worth $20m.

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