Back to the Cold War

Hey, remember that 80s movie “Back To The Future”? Yeah, I know you do, but you won’t admit it. Just like you won’t admit to those Boy George and Culture Club records you’ve been feverishly trying to find in the garage before your grandkids do. That, and the photos of you with the front bangs of your hair looking like a breaking wave out at Malibu. Don’t look at me! My style never changed: T-shirt, jeans, work boots. To paraphrase a country song, I was not-cool when not-cool wasn’t cool.

But, listen, didn’t ya love the 80s? Great movies like “The Day After” and “Threads” that showed us a far more likely future than “Back To The Future”. Reagan trying to accidently-on-purpose blunder us into a nuclear war with the Soviets during the Able Archer exercise in 1983. Yeah, they don’t make Cold War sequels like that anymore. Although the one they’re starting now shows promise since “retro” is so popular. But speaking of the good ol’ days and movies about time machines, have a peek at this article.

Yeah, I wish I had a time machine. I’d go back to the day I walked into the U.S. Army recruiter’s office and go to the video game arcade instead and play that Xenon pinball machine all day. I loved Xenon.(Huh-huh-huh…remember that one and the sound it made when you scored?) Then I’d forget all about the army and enlisting. But notice how presidential candidates are getting more and more, hmmm, what’s the word I’m looking for here? Oh, yeah! Crazy! Now, I’m not one to throw stones inside glass houses, but if I had a time machine to bring me back to the day I enlisted, I could safely do so. I might be crazy, but at least I’m not running for president and saying if I had a time machine, I’d go back and kill baby Hitler! I mean, does this sound like a science fiction comedy all its own or what?! “Back To The Past To Kill Baby Hitler”…man, put an award-winning soundtrack on that and I think we’ve got a hit! Put some Van Halen and Motley Crue on that, some Social Distortion, I think we’ve got a winner!

I get what he’s doing here, though. He’s got nothing whatsoever to offer us in the present moment, so he dredges up the past and science fiction to cover that up. Wait, my bad. The past and science fiction IS the present moment for American politicians. I think the movie they’re actually trying to make for 2016 is “Back To The Insanity” where they go back in time and think the Russia of today is still the Soviet Union of 1980. And the Iran of today is still the Iran of 1979. “Back To The Cold War”—coming soon to drive-ins and theaters near you!

Look, what have we got here? Here’s Jeb Bush saying if he had a time machine, he’d go back in time and kill Hitler in the stroller. Wow, like taking candy away from a baby, what? So to speak. The other day, Ben Carson regaled us with the historical tidbit that the pyramids of Ancient Egypt were actually huge grain silos. Amazing! And here I though the only thing that American politicians knew about pyramids was how to run a pyramid scam they call the government!

Now, it’s one thing when the guy at the tire shop is telling you stuff like this. But when you’re about to entrust over 2,600 nuclear weapons to a guy, as well as conventional military forces he can use on his “sez so”, we need to start doing some Rorschach Tests on these guys. You know, hold up the card with the ink-spot and ask, “What do you see?” Then when they answer things like, “I see Iran being nuked into the seventh century by American aircraft!”, we can say, “Thank you for your time. Next!” And show him the door and a nice white elephant runner-up prize for playing. Maybe a ceramic dog like they had on “Wheel Of Fortune” back in the day everyone was hot for Vanna White. Don’t tell me you forgot about that, you’ve probably still got all the VCR recordings of the shows. Or maybe a t-shirt: “I Ran For President Of The United States And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt”.

Ah, well, whaddya gonna do? We’re going to be led by some lunatic. It’s just a shame we can’t have a decent soundtrack to go along with it.