Last week, NASA confirmed that there is water on Mars. This could be some kind of cross-promotional hullabaloo for the movie The Martian, which came out this week, or it could mean there’s life on Mars. If it’s the latter, it behooves us to provide a welcome letter for Martians to get acquainted with our planet.
Welcome to America. We are members of a cultural group called “The West” and it’s generally understood the West is the best. America is known as the best of the best. We’re the ones who sent you the signal and it’s likely we’re the ones you’d most like to deal with from here on out. We’ve been sending out signals for a long time so we’re going to assume you’re at least partly familiar with our culture up until the end of the 20th century. There have been some drastic changes since then, however, and we will try to make them clear.
Virtually every industry of note in this country is still run by white males. These are the guys who sent you the message, for example. However, this group has fallen out of favor recently and is now called the patriarchy (the messages we sent you are now considered sexist and we’ve hired a woman to make sure we don’t mess up your planet). The guys who made us the best of the best are now considered the worst, and to facilitate this message, a massive information campaign has arisen that derides truth, logic, science, and math. In today’s America, up is down and right is wrong.
Three of the most revered women in the country right now, Caitlyn Jenner, Laverne Cox, and Janet Mock, are men. Gender is no longer a thing. We reward anyone who promotes this idea with, well, awards. Any show or movie that even alludes to transanything is showered with presents and all you have to do to win any competition is grow a beard and put on a dress. Ivy League schools have replaced the pronouns “he” and “she” with “ze,” “hir,” and “hirs” because “they literally don’t have any information” (oh, and “literally” doesn’t mean “literally” anymore—it means “not literally”). When doctors try to provide information and point out that gender dysphoria is a mental illness, they are seen as boring old fuddy-duddies. To quote a man who cut off his penis and balls, “It’s mostly the medical community who sees the sexes as male or female.” It’s now reasonable for little boys to take female hormones. They also may take hormone blockers that postpone puberty so their sex change will go smoother even though the suicide rate for post-op transsexuals is still very bad. The definition of child abuse keeps changing and if you’re not down with pedophiles, you’re a “monster.” Refusing to vaccinate your child is not child abuse and third-trimester abortions are nothing compared with a doctor who shot a lion.