The Bitching Hour

July 4th is the day America celebrates liberty but Halloween is the opposite. It’s the day we all get together and ask necrophiliacs what to do with fun’s cadaver. These ghouls have a lot of suggestions for us but they’re all disgusting. What used to be a silly theme for a party in late October has become a logic pretzel where we crowbar political correctness into every nook and cranny until the only way you can avoid appropriation is to come dressed as yourself.

The festivities began early this year. “Sooooooo wal-mart [sic] is also selling fake noses for an ‘arab [sic] shiek’ [sic] costume,” the presumably trans Sara Yasin, a Palestinian Buzzfeed reporter from Brooklyn, stated on Tuesday. “Just another reminder of how normalized it is to be racist against arabs [sic],” she later added. Walmart responded by dropping the nose immediately (this is the same nose that Macklemore was accused of anti-Semitism for wearing last year). Around the same time, Walmart got in trouble for selling an Israeli soldier costume that prompted Vanity Fair to ask, “Why Can’t America’s Biggest Retailer Learn from Its Halloween Mistakes?” I don’t know—maybe it’s because you keep moving the goalposts? Almost every country in the world has a military. Can their kids please dress up on Halloween? As for the nose, yes, Jews, Arabs, and blacks do have bigger noses. Nostrils are used to get moisture out of the air and desert climates require more surface area to do so. Middle Eastern noses tend to go away from the face whereas African noses tend to go parallel. I come from Scotland where it rains every day, which is why my nose looks like a zit with two holes poked in the bottom. I’ve noticed this, as have you, but “Political correctness is a war on noticing,” so close your eyes or you’re racist.

Also on Tuesday, the head ghouls at Gawker claimed, “Racist Halloween Celebrations Kick Off [note their enthusiasm] With Blackface Nicki Minaj.” Apparently, a high school student in Florida dared to darken her skin to appear like pop star Nicki Minaj and was promptly shamed off the Internet. Nobody has to explain why a particular costume violates protocol. Just say “Boo!” and everyone runs away screaming. The fact that Nicki Minaj wears a blond wig in a clear appropriation of white culture is irrelevant. Blackface is verboten. Why? I still don’t know. As far as I can tell, it’s because a small percentage of minstrel shows were negative. The other 90% mean nothing, including the incredibly popular Black and White Minstrel Show, which aired across Europe from 1958 to 1978. When Fred Armisen does his Obama he looks like a black man who just saw a ghost but we’d rather have inaccuracies than violate the ridiculous taboo of including skin tone in a costume.

Logic has nothing to do with this crusade because political correctness is a religion. It’s faith-based and their laws have been written in stone, never to be questioned—ever.

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