Happy Anniversary, America!

Psstt! Hey America! Hey, don’t forget our anniversary! You forgot?! There’s not many shopping days left!! It’s soon going to be the upcoming “Ongoing Holiday Of Revenge Against People We Don’t Know”, aka the 9/11 Anniversary. Strike up the band! Come on everyone, get happy!

What kind of gift do you buy the government for an anniversary like this? Tanks? Aircraft? Nuclear weapons? “Ah, dear, you shouldn’t have! How did you know I had my eye on that new intercontinental ballistic missile system! And 10 megaton warheads, how retro! Gee, and it came with a free DVD of ‘The Day After’ and, oh! A bonus DVD of ‘Threads’! Gosh, what a swell gift!” This is an anniversary of the “Big Oopsie”, the day America got shotgun-weddinged, so to speak, into unholy matrimony with Big Brother. “Do you, America, take Big Brother as your lawfully-wedded dictator, to obey and grovel before, to hand over your rights to, and to send your children off to die in his wars, til death do you part, which can occur at the command of a drone to your house?” “Uhhh…can we look at the Ketubah again? And what happened to the dowry already?!” Police State: How Amer... Spence, Gerry Best Price: $1.60 Buy New $18.26 (as of 01:30 EST - Details)

I haven’t got a thing to wear to this soiree! The 9/11 Anniversary Gala and Golf Tournament will have to go on without me, I guess. Besides, I don’t have a gift. Say, isn’t this the Silver Anniversary? What would I buy? A silver gravy boat made in the likeness of a F-35? I wonder what’s on the menu? Something with truffles, no doubt. Probably some fad vegetable currently in vogue. “Try the sautéed bull thistles. I trust you’ll find them quite delicious.” Well, no, but they rather do remind me of the government when kudzu or poison oak is not at hand. “Ah, sir, what will you be having then?” How about a slice of humble pie for everyone?

I understand they’ll have a cake made in the likeness of the World Trade Center. Rather than a dancing lady jumping out of it, an Osama bin Laden impersonator (the Elvis impersonator shtick is so overdone and passé) will jump out of it and yell, “Surprise!” and throw Support The Troops keychains to the crowd. I understand it will be a devil’s food cake, since the government believes in eating locally and the gala is in DC after all. Then they’ll all bow their Battlefield America: T... John W. Whitehead Best Price: $10.95 Buy New $18.80 (as of 10:15 EST - Details) heads and shed a tear for the fallen, after a sliced onion is passed around for effect.

Mind you, I would go if simply for the spectacle and the food. But, alas, I am not sufficiently patriotic to attend our annual Picking-Of-The-Scab Festival And Hootenanny. Spain has The Running Of The Bulls and a few people get gored. Usually our 9/11 Gala Anniversaries will have a much higher death toll, depending on who has incurred the Wrath of Con. Those fighter-bombers won’t be dropping micro-green salads and chayote squash sautéed in boutique olive oil, I’ll say that for them.

How will you celebrate this soon-to-be-a-paid-federal holiday? Perhaps you should write our esteemed government and remind them they need to make Patriot Day (aka 9/11) a federal holiday. Thus, they can have yet another paid day off to engage in tomfoolery and hijinks such as meeting their mistresses in secluded bunkers built for McArmageddon. Not to mention all the Patriot Day Sales of recliners, automobiles, towels, and kitchenware we’re How America Was Lost: ... Roberts, Dr. Paul Craig Best Price: $5.35 Buy New $2.99 (as of 10:30 EST - Details) missing out on. “Show your pride! Fleece blankets with embroidered burning World Trade Centers! Only $29.95! One-fiftieth of the profits goes to the 9/11 Foundation For Peace Through Superior Firepower. Don’t miss Worthington’s Annual Patriot Day Sale!” That’ll give Black Friday a whole new meaning, wouldn’t you agree?

Crass, you say? I am only telling the truth, while it is not yet a prosecutable crime. Oh, wait, yes it is. Meh, what can I say? The federal government needs another holiday. This one appears to be in the running, but there’s probably tons of other candidates. Be that as it may, I’d rather celebrate National Stuffed Vegetables Appreciation Day. Or Chocolate Indulgence Day. See, those things don’t run around justifying killing people some 14 flippin’ years later. Our need for war has already passed from puberty into the teen years. Just wait til it gets a driver’s license.

They say this is progress. Or is this congress, or regress? At any rate, it is truly humorous that this cast of villains can accuse other tyrants of tyranny with a straight face. But we can’t see the foot-shuffling that always gives away a liar because the podium rather conveniently hides their feet. I learned sitting in meetings at a corrupt corporation that peeking under the table to retrieve a “dropped” pen while the CEO was talking about projected sales always told the true state of affairs. He’d be dancing the Kazatsky under there telling us our sales were going to skyrocket. His mouth said “success”, but his feet said that it would be most wise to stock up on food and squirrel away some money. Not to mention getting personal effects out of my desk before the repo crew arrived. When the government talks, we can’t see their feet. That’s the real purpose of the podium. Otherwise, it’d look like a one-man square dance. Or an Irish jig, more to the point. Say, who ordered the band here? Must be a fast crowd, these 9/11 golfers.

I can hear my father’s ancestors now: “Feh! Some goldeneh medina this turned out to be!”