This Just In!: The Government is Lying!

Yeah, I know, you’re as shocked as I was. What?! The government might lie about things? No! Say it isn’t so! Behold! Here is it! Oh, but that’s not the government, that’s the military! Well, uh, militaries never fall far from the tree, so it is said. Now, one question I have is this: On what basis was it decided that there had been ANY success to trumpet in the war against ISIS? Boy oh boy, if these are “successes”, I’d hate to see the failures they’re covering up! If the war against ISIS was a used car, the salesman would have spun the odometer back about 200,000 miles and filled the transmission full of sawdust. Yeah, didn’t think anyone remembered those old tricks, did you? The government does, except they call it “…distorted or altered intelligence assessments to exaggerate progress…” Indeed. Fresh off the lot from Smilin’ Uncle Sam’s Used War Bargain House! I think we’ve been sold a lemon.

So, indeed, the doctored “successes” remain abject failures in and of themselves. This means the reality is that those failures were so grand, so large, that they are the Magnum Opus of failures. If these were symphonies, they’d all be Beethoven and Mozart. No fiddle-piddle little scribblers, they went right to the heavyweight masters! I’d love to see the fiction these intelligence officials write for fun. Oh, wait, we already have. It’s probably called an Swords Into Plowshares... Paul, Ron Best Price: $4.00 Buy New $15.99 (as of 11:36 UTC - Details) “Intelligence After-Action Report”. I suppose they read as follows: “We dropped around 2,500 tons of ordnance on a malingering group of camels we suspected to be an ISIS supply convoy. Our people on the ground told us it was an absolute success and no one in the nearby village need buy dromedary jerky for a week.” Yeah, I bet that airstrike really shook the dates off the palms. Probably satisfied the need for comedy in the region for quite some time, seeing as how we have embargoed 1970s TV sitcoms from the region in a fit of diplomatic brilliance. How do you like them apples, ISIS? No Laverne and Shirley for you! Here, have a U.S. government intelligence report. It’s funnier.

Truthfully, while I can still use that word in the United States of America without a laugh track or being monitored for spreading un-American ideals, how say these charlatans unto the American people that there is any success at all, real or fiction? I suppose their definition of success is right up there with the performance of the latest gee-whiz multi-billion dollar fighter aircraft. Yes, the ones that have killed more American pilots than enemy anti-aircraft Family of Secrets Russ Baker Best Price: $1.93 Buy New $8.85 (as of 05:45 UTC - Details) fire in the last twenty years, thanks to the wonderfully engineered design flaws and subsequent “cost over-runs” wisely needed to fix them. And save the lives of American pilots from our own engineers. Alas, then we wonder why these same aircraft cannot successfully blow up ISIS, a rather un-technical fighting force, to say the least. Probably because our pilots want to jettison the bombs before the aircraft endures yet another failure from carrying that weight and becomes a de facto kamikaze. “Oh, you wanted the aircraft to carry bombs?! Oh, well, that’ll cost another trillion dollars! That upgrade package didn’t come with the aircraft at the quoted price!” Thus sayeth American defense contractors.

How, therefore, can we know we have “won” this war with ISIS when that might be yet another government fib? Two days after we declare victory, another “ISIS Funniest Jihad Videos” will appear with Great Commander al- The Lone Gladio Sibel D. Edmonds Best Price: $2.36 Buy New $15.49 (as of 03:55 UTC - Details) Cannot Be Found al-Invisible saying, “No they didn’t! How can they have won?! We haven’t even lost a single truck since two months ago! We haven’t even reached the mileage on the reminder sticker on our tanks for the next oil change at Jihad Lube! We’ve still got hummus on top of that! Yeah, ‘the Americans won’, huh! Hilarious!” Of course, the government will come out and accuse them of lying—right up until someone leaks it out that we were, in fact, the ones lying. We need to find a market for government lying. It’d be a gold mine. You couldn’t call it The Goose That Laid The Golden Eggs, though. This is the government. You’d need to call it The Goose That Crapped the Golden Crap. As it is, we pay the government to do this. Methinks I have been cheated.

Therefore, here we are, once again, with yet another war they’ve been lying to us all along about. Are you surprised? I bet we both aren’t. And this cast of clowns wants to go to war with Iran?! That’s like saying velvet Elvis paintings and pink plastic lawn flamingos belong in The Louvre! Or that the United States government can be called intelligent. We’re winning the war on ISIS! Wait, no we’re not. Wait, yes we are! Wait, I know! It’s a tie! Hey, that’s the answer! Let’s just call these wars ties! “Well, we came into this war looking for a gold medal, but we came away with a silver medal…” Yeah, a trillion dollars later. Who knew silver had gone up in price that much? But if we say a war is a tie, we don’t need to actually win! All we need to do is spend money and kill people! That’s always a popular endeavor with the U.S. government, but calling it a “tie” should shut up the unwashed masses paying for the war. The Iraq War? Yeah, a tie. The war in Afghanistan? Looks like it’s going to be a tie. The war against ISIS? Well, probably going to be a tie. Say, what’s for supper?

The Best of Jack Perry