I don't Need to be the Grill Master. I Just Need you to Grill my Meat Properly

There’s no better way to cook meat, in my opinion, than outdoors over a charcoal grill. (Is there a better way to cook anything? Soup, I suppose, is better handled differently.)

Lots of people act weird at a barbecue, though – lots of men, I should say, as the behavior I’m about to describe is particularly male. Something about red meat on a grill brings out the worst, most domineering, blow-hard, control-freak qualities in certain men. You know the stereotype: a Flintstonesque fellow, standing front-and-center at the Weber with a spatula in one hand and a massive set of tongs in the other, talking loud and proud about matters of technique. Perhaps he even wears a T-shirt or an apron or a baseball cap emblazoned with “Grill Master”. He is the Grill Master. He has very strong feelings about the food preparation today. This thing should be this way, that should be done that way. No one else is allowed to touch anything. Honey, bring me another beer, will ya? Weber 14402001 Origina... Buy New $159.50 (as of 02:45 UTC - Details)

No offense intended if you are such a man. I mean, I think you look sort of silly, like a caricature of a person from the past, or Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation, or something out of the first few seasons of Mad Men (when it was good). But that doesn’t bother me so much. Go for it. Grab the wheel, take the reins. You’re the boss.

It’s not my bag, that macho trip. I am always happy to cede responsibility. I’ll go sit in the shade, or lie in a hammock. Or play whiffle ball. I love playing whiffle ball and I don’t even so much care who wins. I just love playing the game. I’m easy like Sunday morning.

I’ll even bring you another beer, and I will do so gladly. Just don’t fuck up my food.

I trust that you won’t. You are an expert. You are the expert. You hardly need a list of reminders about the proper way to prepare food for human consumption. But, you know, just to make sure we’re on the same page about the important stuff …

Start with the coals. Simple is fine. We don’t need artisanal mesquite chips, hand-carved and imported from Joshua Tree or wherever. There’s a reason that Kingsford Original has an 80% market share in the charcoal game: it works every time. But, you know, let’s not poison ourselves with that Match Light crap. No one likes the taste of lighter fluid.

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