Shootin' Pool in Yemen and Other Great American Adventures

Get a load of this big kerfuffle over Yemen! If you’d have asked most Americans where Yemen was a few years back, they’d have said something like, “Yemen? Hmmm…Yemen…Yemen…oh! I know where it is! It’s on Interstate 40 between Barstow and Needles! There’s nothing there but a gas station, an RV campground, and a Subway sandwich shop! What about Yemen?” And if you told them the U.S. was sending an aircraft carrier to Yemen, they’d have said, “Really?! Seriously?! Come on! How can they get an aircraft carrier up the Colorado River! Sending an aircraft carrier to Yemen…yeah, right!” But, no, it isn’t a joke as much as we wish it were. There is a U.S. Navy aircraft carrier and battle group headed to Yemen as we speak.

Now, I suppose one motive would be to secure a major supply of khat for the free world but, no. The government doesn’t like any plant materials that alter your consciousness. They’d rather do Against the State: An ... Rockwell Jr., Llewelly... Best Price: $5.02 Buy New $5.52 (as of 11:35 EST - Details) that themselves with their propaganda, insipid media “news”, and abhorrent television shows featuring characters with the morality of a polecat in heat. Or perhaps they’re after Moka coffee. It’s great coffee, I’ll give them that. But do I think it’s worth an aircraft carrier? No, not when Ethiopian Yirgacheffe or Harar could be had with much less hassle. However, our government isn’t intelligent enough to authorize military action for something of tangible worth like coffee. They’d rather get into a war over a million square acres of sand. I wasn’t aware we had a sand shortage. You couldn’t prove it by me out here, I’ll tell you that much.

So, ok, riddle me this. What could there be in Yemen that they’re after? It isn’t khat, we know that. The government prefers legal drugs like hydrocodone they can get a magic piece of paper for in order to legitimize its recreational use. It can’t be coffee, because they don’t care about American quality of life, we know that much from the tax rate. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know what the government tells me. They’re there to blockade Iranian arms shipments to the Houthi rebels. But why does the U.S. care so much about this place? Offhand, you might think some major oil discovery has been made there. I don’t think so. I think this is just the international equivalent of the loudmouth at the pool hall looking for an excuse to get into a fight.

Battlefield America: T... John W. Whitehead Best Price: $10.95 Buy New $18.80 (as of 10:15 EST - Details) See, the U.S. plans to blockade Iranian arms shipments and that’s probably the one semi-true thing they’ve said. That’s the excuse they need to provoke Iran. The U.S. is the drunk bully at the pool hall who sees the guy that beat him three games in a row and invents an excuse to confront him. “Hey! Whaddya lookin’ at?! Huh?! What, you think because you won a couple games you can just look at me like I’m a sucka or somethin’?! Hey! I’m talkin’ to you!”  That’ll be the U.S. trying to stop Iranian ships, board them, and search them. You think Iran is going to put up with that? And why should they? The other guy at the pool hall replies, “Hey man, look, I’m not looking for trouble. I just want to finish my beer. I’m not looking at you, ok?” That’ll be Iran saying you don’t get to board our ships just because you’re the oh-so-mighty United States. The bully at the pool hall says, “Yeah, well, ya got trouble! Whaddya gonna do it about, huh?! You gonna put up your hands and fight or just get beat?!” That’ll be the U.S. firing on the Iranian ship refusing to be boarded. But, look man, I’ve seen this once in the pool hall where I grew up. Know how it played out? Dude snatched up a pool cue and broke it over the bully’s head and ol’ boy laid on the floor out cold while the dude downed his beer and left. That’ll be the Iranian submarine the U.S. doesn’t notice or detect that torpedoes the U.S. aircraft carrier.

That’s what this whole deal is. Just a way to try and bait Iran into a fight. But fights don’t always end up the way the dude that starts them thinks. If Iran managed to sink an American aircraft Suicide Pact: The Radi... Napolitano, Andrew P. Best Price: $0.25 Buy New $2.84 (as of 04:15 EST - Details) carrier, that’d be a pool cue over the head the U.S. would never live down. That’s all this is, Uncle Sam sitting drunk in the pool hall running his mouth. One day, someone’s going to knock him flat on his fat keester. Maybe it’ll be Iran over there, or maybe it’ll be Vladimir Putin one day. Yeah, there’s Uncle Sam running his mouth, “Hey Vlad! Yeah, Vlad, I’m talkin’ to you! C’mon, let’s go! You’re gonna get an ol’ fashioned American whoopin’!” Except Putin is a martial arts expert and flattens Uncle Sam. And instead of backing Uncle Sam’s play as he thought they would, the world just stands around going, “Fight, fight, fight!” I’m telling you, this swaggering is going to get the U.S. another butt-kicking pretty soon.

So, hey, here’s a couple quarters, go put some tunes on the jukebox while we wait for a table to open. I think these dudes’ game is almost over. Hey, look over there! Frickin’ Uncle Sam is drunk  and shootin’ his mouth off again! What? Do I know him? Yeah, I know the jerk, he collects my taxes. What? Is he a friend of mine? Oh, hayyyyuuulll NO! I don’t even like the guy! He’s an idiot! Yeah, look at the fat slob over there, pickin’ on that kid that beat him both games runnin’. Someone oughta call the cops before it gets outta hand. What? No way, I’m not gettin’ in the middle of this, this is Uncle Sam’s fight. He’s always doing this crap. He gets his butt handed to him out in the parking lot and then comes in here saying he got jumped from behind and that’s why he lost the fight. I’m not buyin’ that crap, I seen those fights and— See? See? Look at him over there! You know what, let’s go someplace else to hang out. I know this funky coffeehouse and it’s full of hipsters and scenesters but the coffee is great, they’ve got live music, and Uncle Sam doesn’t ever go in there. What? Yemen? Never heard of the place. Whatizzit, a new restaurant down on Ventura Boulevard?