…and people say we flunkey around, but we’re too busy preening, to put the CIA torturers down! Look at this obscene spectacle and all these self-righteous buffoons. “The U.S. will not torture people again…no, really, we mean it this time. And just to show you our stalwart commitment to that, we won’t prosecute the CIA officers that we just showed you tortured people…” Is this a Senate we have, or just a bunch of flunkeys for the CIA? This is just a distraction to make them look good. Because if they really were concerned about justice, we’d see the same war crimes tribunals we’ve used on the losing guys in wars with us.
Oh, come on Jack! They were keeping America safe! Right, from a conscience. Yeah, that “wrong-way feeding” regimen, what was that? Oh, that? That was just a fad diet those terrorists were on. We were just trying to be sensitive to their dietary choices. Waterboarding? Oh, no Jack, you’ve got that all wrong. It was a drinking game the CIA got into with the terrorists, you see. Oh, I see. Silly me. And the sleep deprivation? Oh, that’s nothing. The terrorists just wanted to stay up late to catch up on TV they had missed during the jihad. Gosh, I’m slapping my forehead. Why didn’t I see that? But what about the guy that froze to death in his cell? Hey, can we be blamed if he fooled around with the thermostat in his cell? He didn’t understand air conditioning. Oh. What’s Detention Site Cobalt? That’s where the CIA has their annual company picnic, that’s all. You mean it’s not a concentration Against the State: An ... Best Price: $4.73 Buy New $9.40 (as of 10:25 EDT - Details) camp? Oh, no, certainly not! Why, they’ve even got motivational posters on the wall over there. Hmmm…do they say “TALK: No Pain, No Gain (For Us)”?
Is this surreal or what? We’re making it look like we’re “coming clean” but what we’re really doing is a form of subliminal gloating and threatening. We’re telling the rest of the world, hey, look what we did—and got away with. We say we won’t do it again, but if we’re not prosecuting anyone for it, it’ll darn sure happen again. Maybe to you. So you better take heed, people. We can do this and we can get away with it. Oh, and by the way, if you do it, now that we can prosecute you for. And here goes those rascals in the Senate acting shocked and repulsed. Ha ha ha! Give me a break! Those jokers knew about it all along. Remember, they can read all the “intelligence reports” verboten to the plebians. They’re just the flunkeys for the CIA who wants that information out. Why? Two reasons. First, it’ll do what I said: Show the world we can do this and get away with it even if we say we won’t do it again. And scare everyone in the process. Second, it’ll whip up the indignant masses (so they think) over in the Middle east and give us a reason to shoot a few of them. Of course, they’ve already known about this for a long time now. Word gets around over there. Suicide Pact: The Radi... Best Price: $2.99 Buy New $3.50 (as of 04:35 EDT - Details)
And get a load of Dick Cheney over there! Dude is practically bragging about it! And throwing his buddy Bush under the bus to do it! He actually said those CIA officers should get medals. Hey Dick, I have a few suggestions for naming those medals. How about the Order of the Distinguished Rectal Feeding Tube for selfless performance over and above the call of, er, “duty”? “Excuse me, guard? My hummus is moldy…” “You’ll eat it and like it or you won’t like where it goes next! You’ve heard the phrase ‘If you don’t like it, you can stick it up your…’, yeah, well, see where I’m going with this?!” Then we can have the Waterboard of Honor with Poison Oak Leaf Clusters. Lest we forget, there’s also the Purple Heart for anyone who tears a fingernail slapping around some uppity detainees. There’s also the Iron Cross, oh wait, someone else was using that. Sorry. Hey, this is an idea whose time has come! Medals for CIA torturers! Then we can have a bunch of CIA veterans stalking “Stolen Valor” fakers and poseurs wearing these medals and post it on You Tube. I can see it now. “Look at this fake CIA torturer! I caught Progressivism: A Prime... Best Price: $6.49 Buy New $9.99 (as of 09:50 EDT - Details) him at the mall wearing a Waterboard of Honor medal and that guy didn’t even know where Detention Site Cobalt was! So I waterboarded him using diet soda and a commandeered baby stroller over at the mall food court and posted it on You Tube as a Stolen Valor video as you see here, folks. I can’t stand these faker wanna-bees impersonating brave CIA vets who really did torture people!”
Really, if the Senate had any integrity, they’d be prosecuting these CIA torturers as we speak. But the dudes got away with it. What’s the point of telling us what we already know again? We already knew those CIA cats were waterboarding people. Tell us something we don’t know. The question we had was, what are you guys going to do about it? “Oh, well, we promise not to do it again…” How? You jokers claim that even the president didn’t know about it and, thus, neither did you. So how can you make a promise like that? You can’t, because if they got it away with it this time, they know they can get away with it again. Except next time, they’re not going to be writing anything down and you’re damn sure not going to find out about it, ever. All you’ve done is driven the CIA even deeper into the rabbit hole and now we’ll never know how deep it goes. People will literally disappear. Way to go, Senate! You guys are nothing but flunkeys for the CIA, just like I said. Put the fake outrage away, you’re just as guilty and culpable as they are. Actually, you’re worse. Because you know it’s morally wrong as well as The Lone Gladio Best Price: $3.47 Buy New $15.49 (as of 04:35 EDT - Details) criminal and refuse to prosecute. And you clowns aren’t even getting a check from the CIA like the two psychologists that garnered $81 million dollars from the CIA to develop this torture program. Those two cats even formed a company to supply the skill set. And no one in the Senate questioned those purchase orders to “PainPro Torture Tech and Tools, LLC”? You guys are grand, you really are. Real oversight, wow, I’m stunned by the accountability and transparency.
Again, the Obama Administration can always be relied upon to play politics with a problem. Except with this one, all they did was drive the CIA into an even deeper hole and made them more dangerous than ever. What’s the government going to do, prosecute them? Yeah, sure they will. Or maybe the next president will say, hey I don’t care what you do, just be quiet about it. No more scrapbooking, ok? Then ten years from now, the Senate can act shocked and disgusted even though they were aware of it all along. This is the government we’ve got, folks. They just told you they torture people but no one’s going to jail for it. So do you think they’re really going to stop torturing people? On paper. But at the snazzy concentration camps with spiffy names like Detention Site Cobalt? It’ll just be business as usual. I bet you feel safer already!