Keynesian Phrenology

I am getting more and more upset about the future of the economy, especially the part where I will probably still be alive to suffer through it, instead of being safely dead and gone, laughing disdainfully from whatever circle of Dante’s hell that is reserved for us lousy fathers, worthless husbands, lackluster employees and all-around lazy bastards.

“Hahaha!” I will bellow. “Now suffer! Suffer, you morons who actually believed that the idiocy of Keynesian economics would NOT end in disaster! From the heart of hell I strike at thee!”

As immensely satisfying as that schadenfreude will certainly be, the dismal fact is that I am still alive, and will live to see the horrendous price inflation, bankruptcy, misery, hunger, ruination and deprivation that always – for the last 2,500 years, anyway – follows episodes of idiotic countries running up unpayable debts, especially those who do so by gigantically increasing their fiat money supplies to pay for massive government deficit-spending.

Thus, being alive, I figure that I have to do something to make some cash while I am waiting for my little pathetic stash of gold, silver and oil (the famous Top Three Mogambo Picks For Wealth (TTMPFW)) to finish the cycle of criminal corruption and monstrous market-manipulation that is currently keeping their prices down, whereupon their prices will soar, allowing me to kick my natural lassitude into high gear by hiring legions of comely servants to cater to my every transient whim, as communicated to them by the mere raising of an eyebrow (“Bring me pizza!”) or subtle waggling of my little finger (“And a beer!”).

Alas, since I have no relevant education, personal initiative or hidden talents other than arrogant superciliousness and a towering-yet-completely-unwarranted conceit, I knew I was perfect for something in the vein of doofus Keynesian economists like Ben Bernanke of the Federal Reserve, or the laughable Paul Krugman of Princeton University and the New York Times.

Namely, I will combine the obvious with complete stupidity via mathematical equations to produce an excuse to meddle in things, making things predictably worse.

But what? What could I do?

Scratching my head in befuddlement, I was suddenly hit with inspiration! Phrenology! Yes, phrenology, which is the study of the bumps of a person’s head to determine the person’s personality and character.

Unlike Keynesian economics, phrenology has already been completely discredited, and only a real dimwit believes in either of them, but (I concluded) only because phrenology lacks the mathematical twist and an excuse for meddling!

Now, check this out for Sheer Mogambo Genius (SMG): Firstly, I measure the width and height of the bumps on the head, use calculus to determine their volumes, and combine the numerical results, in novel and mysterious ways, into some huge, bizarre theoretical monstrosity, like Keynesian econometric models.

Now here’s the genius part: Like the Federal Reserve’s corrupt championing of laughable Keynesian economics (instead of the Austrian School of economics, like they should because it is the only true economic theory), I similarly use Quantitative Easing by using a hammer to hit the patient’s head to increase the size of various bumps, or flatten out other bumps, changing their whole phrenology!

Then, it is all sunbeams and rosebuds from then on!

And, best of all, I’ll get The Big Bucks (TBB) for doing it! Fabulous!

Excitedly, I decided to test my new Fabulous Mogambo Phrenology Theory (FMPT). Using charts from the Internet, I located the “intelligence bump” on my own head, noting with dismay that its small size perfectly corresponded with my famously dim wit, perpetual confusion and drooling incoherence.

Now, giving myself a mighty “whack!” with the hammer on the aforementioned “intelligence bump,” I was delighted to see that my intelligence instantly increased! It was amazing!

After falling to my knees, head throbbing, slipping into and out of consciousness, I immediately and intelligently saw that 1) from now on I would experiment on the kids instead of myself, and 2) that permitting futures on financial products is a Gigantically Big Scam (GBS), because while shorting commodity futures, like corn, wheat and oil, cannot go to extreme measures by shorting because the actual supply of corn, wheat and oil are finite and must ultimately be delivered, the supply of financial products is infinite since it is no longer necessary to borrow an asset before selling it, or ever selling it at all!

You can just “make up” – literally out of thin air! – as much stock or debt as you want, and sell it!

And if you want to short a LOT of stocks or debt via selling futures, then you will automatically manipulate the market down, handing you a profit as your shorts go up in price, which is why gold and silver prices are so ludicrously low!

And since there is no limit to this, the financial markets can go to ludicrous heights or depths, especially – in spades! – since the Federal Reserve itself is now creating more and more fiat currency to buy equities, in addition to its already-ravenous buying of debt and financing the shorting of gold! Yikes! What a racket!

Thus I learned a third thing: forget phrenology! The big money, these days, is in running a legal scam in the futures markets because there is nothing to prevent it, and the Federal Reserve is not only providing the financing, but doing the same thing! So, pile on!

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking “Hey! The Mogambo doesn’t sound as stupid as he usually does! Maybe there IS something to this phrenology thing!”

If I wasn’t so stupid, I would probably understand the obvious insults, and maybe come up with some clever riposte.

Alas, I can only offer, for the thousandth time, the two pieces of Fabulous Investing Advice (FIA) that I am smart enough to understand.

Firstly, inflation in the prices of assets caused by a huge creation of fiat currency and credit will end in a bust.

Secondly, buy gold and silver. They are the only things you can count on in this increasingly-corrupt world, as amply evidenced by 2,500 years of history proving, over and over, that increasingly-corrupt markets and exploding fiat money supplies always result in collapse and complete ruination.

And with the commodity markets having no supervision or regulation as regards monstrous short positions in gold and silver, allowing these short-lived manipulations to drive down the prices of gold and silver to bargain-basement levels, one must conclude, with an giggle of glee, “Whee! This investing thing is easy!”

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