Five Things I've Learned From Superman

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I jumped off the bed, flew into the air, and landed the wrong way on my foot, breaking it. I was six and there was every indication I was from the planet Krypton, whose sun exploded when I was a baby, leaving me an orphan on a planet filled with people who would never fully understand me.

I had a cape on (my Superman blanket). The weak gravity of Earth would not hold me down. Nothing could hold me down. My mother claims she heard the crack of bone from the other side of our suburban house. Crack! I landed. It could’ve happened. She might’ve heard it.

I had to wear a cast. On the first day of first grade, in a brand new school, I was “that kid”. The one who limped. The one who had a cast. You know, the one you probably would’ve hung out with because clearly I was destined to be the coolest kid in first grade. At the end of the day I had an itch inside my cast. It was excruciating. And it was raining. The teacher, Mrs. Klecor, wouldn’t let us leave to catch our bus at the end of the day unless we could spell our names. I have a bad name for such a task. “Altucher”. I was sure I was going to miss my bus. I was the last one left. I started to cry. Because after school I was getting the cast off. But not if I couldn’t spell my name and miss my bus.

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Almost 30 years later I’m still Superman.

I’m clumsy like Clark Kent. I have glasses. Black hair. I’m often shy in public. People often laugh at me. And, like many people, I have a secret identity that I’m hiding. One that I reveal bit by bit in this blog. But nevertheless, if I were to reveal everything I’d end up in jail or a hospital or an institution or more people would hate me than normally do or Claudia would leave me or other people would be badly hurt by those who would take advantage of the real truth. It’s my secret identity.

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From the age of 4 to the age of 44 I’ve been reading Superman. If I weren’t writing this blog I could sit down today and write 50 sample scripts to submit to DC Comics.

So, of course, I have 5 things I learned from Superman:

A) I still am Superman. It wasn’t just when I was six. I have a secret identity disguised as the socially and physically awkward James Altucher that everyone sees but I know is not the real me. Meanwhile, if everyone knew who I really was they would be blown away by my powers. I know deep down how special I am. I’m originally from another planet, Krypton. Superman’s Kryptonian name was Kal-El. Coincidentally, that is my Kryptonian name. I’m misunderstood by the people of Earth. But I don’t care. Everyday I wake up knowing I’m Superman and it makes me feel good.

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