Be Honest With Me

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I want everyone to be honest for a second and tell me. Because I don’t really get it.

1) Doesn’t wine taste bad? I mean, isn’t it AWFUL? Am I really the only one who thinks this? What would you rather have: a milk shake or a glass of wine? Now, I get it, you want to get buzzed or drunk. Or you want to get the girl you are with drunk. I get it. Been there, done that. So you drink wine. But several things:

  1. The actual taste is bad.
  2. You can’t sleep because of the sugar.
  3. And then you feel bad in the morning (because, after all, alcohol is a depressant). You might even go to work, sort of sluggish, maybe a headache, and you think, “Oh man, I drank too much last night.”

But just be honest for a second: taste test – wine or vanilla milk shake. Which makes you happier?

2) Be honest: Do you really remember anything that happened in school? I’m not going to go on an anti-college rant here. I’ve done that enough. And I’m sure there are people out there who learned a lot in college. But seriously, I’m really trying hard to think what I learned in my classes (not counting what I learned outside the class, which is more or less what most 18- to 22-year-olds learn whether they go to college or not). I learned that the “==” sign means equals in computers. I learned that people need 9 hours of sleep although later research might’ve changed that to 7-8. I learned the words “supply”and”demand” although I’ve never correctly used them after that. I’m 44 and I graduated college when I was 21 so maybe its reasonable that I forget a lot. But I remember what I learned when I was six (cursive writing, Greek gods, how to spell my last name) more than I learned in 4 years of college. Quick, without looking it up, when was Charlemagne born?

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3) Children. Are kids that great? Like, I have two kids. And I love then.But they were HARD when they were growing up and I don’t think I even did 10% of the real work. Now they make me laugh but it’s still hard. Would I willingly be friends with an 8 year old? Not really. Would you?

Do I see myself in their poetically twinkling eyes? Not really. I hope they like me when they are older for all the shit I do for them now.

4) News. Is the news that interesting? Ok: Obama, Romney, some celebrity with big breasts, Greece worries (still), a horrible crime with a head decapitated and nobody can identify the body, and sports scores. Was it that great to take up 20 minutes of your life? Wouldn’t you rather read a funny book or watch a funny movie? Perhaps the only news that’s mildly interesting are the porn mags like People magazine. But ok, its titillating but much better to find it in real life.

5) Theater. I love a 90 minute funny movie. That’s about my limit. And it has to be hilarious. I need to be laughing. Or crying. Like “oh, the horror!” On occasion, I don’t mind good music in a movie, and I don’t mind quasi-religious things like “The Force” in Star Wars. For instance, the roller-skating scene in Xanadu is acceptable to me. I’m not smoking crack here. I realize that this is a matter of personal taste. (But click on the above link for the best three minutes of your day).

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But do you really like theater? I just took my kids to a play. “Guys and Dolls”. THREE HOURS! With an intermission in the middle. Is it that great they had to see it for three hours?

By the way: If you want a movie recommendation: Here are my top ten. I mix them up in genres so if you don’t like some genres you can skip those:

  1. Schindler’s List
  2. Lawrence of Arabia
  3. The Godfather
  4. Superbad
  5. After Hours
  6. A Night On Earth
  7. Blade Runner
  8. The Conversation
  9. Slumdog Millionaire
  10. The Blues Brothers
  11. Groundhog Day (I threw this in as #11).

Oh, and for a #12. American Pop.

And the list can keep going. Please add to this list in the comments. Would you really rather see a play than any of these? ANY. How can anyone even do a play about Schindler’s List? And for that matter, is any play going to be better than the tv series “Arrested Development”?

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6. Voting. Have you honestly ever voted for anyone on more than a local level that made your life better. Did Bill Clinton make life better? He was impeached and sticking cigars up interns vaginas while Osama Bin Laden was planning our future. And W was no better, killing tens of thousands in two or three or ten unnecessary wars. Who have you voted for that made a difference (above the micro-level, where believe it or not, if they made your life better then you are probably corrupt).

7. Meditation. “Oh, I calm my mind when I meditate”. Shut up. Forget about everyone else for a second. Do you really feel better, calmer, or wiser, because you meditate? Don’t answer if you are a Tibetan Lama. I’m not saying all meditation is bad. But the kind where you sit in the lotus position for 30 minutes and try to think of “no-mind”. i.e. “American meditation”. Does that really help you deal with life? Be honest. That’s 30 minutes you do every day. You could be watching cartoons instead. That will clear your mind. Stop bullshitting yourself. If you meditate then call people names on internet message boards then meditation did not help you.