I wonder if you have ever had one of those thoughts that made you smile, as it were, out loud? It makes you look like a complete idiot of course – just sitting there grinning from ear to ear like a Cheshire cat. Yet, as I write from an undisclosed location overlooking a mug of freshly roasted, ground and espresso'd coffee – I am content.

The reason is simple, yet profound:

After the furrowed brow of study; the trawling through internet searches on higher matters; the exertion of clenched fists striking the air in blows for freedom; after bringing them down forcefully on the desk when confronted by some widely held misunderstanding in need of correction – I like to grab a bite to eat.

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I also rather like imbibing copious quantities of the aforementioned brew. I refer, in particular, to my own creation, the "Greens Green Coffee-Bean Coffee" ("GGCBC") method. This is normally to be followed and /or accompanied by a main course consisting of my other creation – the freshly roasted, "Nuts a la Green."

Both come highly recommended, not merely for their restorative properties, but also as a way to trim the unsightly ravages that the vice of gluttony can impose on the physical host of even the finest minds. In short, this amazing combination has lost me three stones in not many more months. I look really great – but you'll just have to take my word for that.

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It may be a discomforting point to note, but there is only one true way to lose weight – as confirmed by all known laws of physics – STOP EATING. Yes, it is essential to stop craving, stop thinking about and stop caring about food – and the best way I know of doing that, is to pickle oneself in coffee and roast a few nuts. Indeed, despite the caffeine content, the overall lowering of carbohydrate intake from the nuts, plus something called chlorogenic acid in the coffee, seems to act as a catalyst in the blubber removal process.

Furthermore, I am convinced the benefits do not stop at weight loss. One mug of "Greens Green Coffee-Bean Coffee," and the mind awakens as if jolted – like a tired heart revived by a hefty nurse with a defibrillator.

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I can also confirm a particularly reviving effect upon the intellect in the early morning. Moreover, this effect can be significantly enhanced if combined with an elocution exercise consisting, at a minimum, of 3 rapid repetitions of the following phrase: "Greens Green Coffee-Beans means coffee caffeine-content contentment."

Now, to all right-thinking minds, the avoidance of painful exercise in any health regime is of course, a given. Nevertheless, by following this program with sufficient rigour, the known laws of physics must prevail here also – i.e. what goes in, must come out. In other words, considerable benefit is to be derived from the regular jogging it entails – that is, down the corridor to the bathroom, before returning to the comfort of your seat as swiftly as possible.

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Despite these virtues, I am told that certain religious orders frown upon coffee in general, due to its invigorating effects. However, should GGCBC indeed contravene any reader's Order’s orders I recommend approaching the grand boss with a hot cup of the questionable beverage for a ruling.

Rest assured, literally within seconds of the first sip, things will become much more amenable. Inevitably some clause in the Order’s orders will soon be found, to accommodate at least limited permissible amounts of GGCBC. Before the week is out, the Order’s orders will be fully “clarified” and more than likely, sometime later GGCBC will become compulsory prior to study – to promote clarity of thought. In line with other more enlightened Order's orders, GGCBC need not be castigated as “demon drink” or the "devil's brew," but consumed in venerated and virtuous volumes – and the world a better place for it.

But I digress – and here is the main point: All these many benefits are overwhelmingly eclipsed by the sheer taste and enjoyment of "roasting your own." I now therefore bequeath to the reader the "Greens Green Coffee-Bean Coffee" method:

Green's Green Coffee-Bean Coffee

You will require –

1. Raw Green Coffee beans – experiment, but start with Central and South American "Arabica."
2. Popcorn Maker – the hot air circulatory type.
3. Whizzer – a basic grinder.
4. Espresso Maker – basic type.

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First, toss a handful of green coffee beans in the popcorn maker. After 3–4 minutes you should hear the "first crackling," soon thereafter (maybe 6–8 minutes) "second crackling" will begin. That is the point you want to consider removing the beans into a cold dry saucepan.

For optimum espresso taste, experiment – try just before, during or after second crackling time. Times will vary with popcorn maker and with electrical supply fluctuations.

Let the beans cool and store them in a jar – but enjoy some now also. To do this put some in the whizzer-grinder and go. Too fine and your espresso machine gets blocked, too coarse and you lose the espresso effect.

Advanced users will no doubt move on to a Gaggia Classic espresso machine – though for connoisseurs only the perfection of a Rancilio Silvia will do – and a superior conical burr grinder. Home coffee roasters (alt.) are also available.

Some notes: Using filtered water helps with taste and gives a large froth. By using a small amount of double cream in place of milk for a latte, carbohydrate levels can be reduced. A percentage of raw green coffee beans can be ground and added to increase chlorogenic acid content.

Finally, while sugar should be avoided, the subject of sweeteners is a tense one and cannot be broached without risking the email inbox equivalent of drop kicks. It is true; I cannot find a good independent word for any of them except Stevia. You could also try Erithrytol. Of the rest, perhaps saccharin-based brands have the least evidence against them? I merely speculate on that last point.

Nuts la Green

Next: Cravings for food disappear with just the occasional serving of: "Nuts la Green."

Requirements:

1. Raw unroasted nuts – pecans, almonds, walnuts, hazlenuts, macadamias etc.
2. Popcorn Maker – the same one you used for the coffee (or use a proper nut roaster).

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Just toss a handful of nuts in – if due to impatience you overloaded and they are not moving adequately, shake the machine vigorously to let them move and cook evenly. It is possible, with practice, to achieve a grace and appearance not far off that of a cocktail waiter. Two minutes or less and you're done.

To season, grind in a pestle and mortar: one teaspoon salt, a half teaspoon black pepper, a half teaspoon garlic powder, an optional quarter (plus) teaspoon of chilli powder; also, it gets even nicer with some form of sweetening ground in. Put a few drops of groundnut or olive oil over the hot nuts once out in a bowl, and stir. Then sprinkle on the seasoning, stir and leave to cool.

Final Notes

You will never again be content with stale supermarket seconds – you now know the finest way to make coffee and the finest way to enjoy nuts.

The cares of life must be cast upon shoulders greater and mightier than ours. To assist in this noble endeavour, I commend to the discerning reader: "Greens Green Coffee-Bean Coffee" and "Nuts a la Green"!

September 4, 2010

The Best of Paul Green