How to Clean Like a Man

     

Part of becoming a man is picking up after yourself. Your mom used to do that for you. Being a man means doing it yourself. You could be the best dressed guy in town with an endless bankroll, but if your home looks like a 14-year-old lives there, you’re dead in the eyes of women. But taking pride in cleanliness isn’t just about attracting the ladies. Keeping your place clean strengthens your discipline and attention to detail, keeps you organized and productive, and simply makes you feel good.

My mom was committed to cleaning the same way Pete Rose was committed to gambling. Every Saturday morning she was up cleaning and therefore the entire family was up helping. Top to bottom including the basement, cleaning the entire house.

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Turns out having a mother addicted to a dust free home will teach you a few things. Here are the five steps you should consider following to clean your place quickly and efficiently-like a man. Complete with tools and techniques that’ll make it all go easier.

Step 1: Crack a beer and put on some loud music.

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There’s no way around it, the next 45–90 minutes won’t be fun. Might as well enjoy a decent beer and listen to your favorite album while you’re at it. Loud and fast-tempo music will help keep the boredom away. So skip the Pink Floyd. High alcohol microbrews will make the experience more tolerable. So try something heavy.

Step 2: Put all the clutter away.

No sense in cleaning around the clutter. Your place will still look like a pit if you do. The stack of mail, the shoes you took off while watching the game, the bottles that never got taken out after poker night. Clean it all up. Spend at least 10 minutes doing this.

Step 3: Dust using a Swiffer Duster.

What a revolution the Swiffer hath wrought. Not unlike the evolution of toilet paper (i.e.: leaves begat Sears Roebuck catalog pages begat Charmin), the Swiffer is the third and greatest leap in cleaning technology for its category. The feather duster just pushes dust around. An old sock or rag with pledge or Endust is a mess. The Swiffer uses static electricity and an almost infinite amount of soft dust grabbing fibers to clean. Use it on everything from wood to electronics. Don’t doubt it. It works. Pick things up and dust under them. Don’t dust around.

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September 16, 2010