Our Little Bellum Omnium Contra Omnes (Kill ’em All!)

Save for some liberal wieners and ungrateful pinkos, few in the country would doubt that a worldwide slaughter of foreigners would make America safer. While efforts of the heroic Bush administration to wipe out all Arabs are certainly a good start, we must not forget that other countries of the world are evil and we’ve got to settle their hash, too.

Before discussing the litany, it is important to note that this article only provides the tip of the iceberg. Understanding the vital important of a pre-emptive foreign policy, we have resolved to establish an institute to rigorously pursue this end. Heading up the International Democratic Institute for Overseas Transplantation will be noted aggressor-philosophers Randy Barnett, Eric Dondero, and Tom Palmer. Other IDIOT fellows will include Christopher Hitchens, the Kristols, and Sean Hannity. With the Institute in place to exhaustively target all foreign countries, do not interpret omissions in the present to imply approval of those evil regimes.

We do not seek world domination; to this end, we are critical of the Bush administration. We are realists and understand that we will never be able to control some insubordinates. So instead of costly bureaucracy, why not achieve control over the entire globe by eliminating every other inhabitant of it? Half measures will avail us nothing. It is time to own up to the logical implications of our foreign policy, not cringe at them. Let us “man up” by pre-emptively bombing everyone on the planet.

America must become the “terrible swift sword” of the world — a smiter of all evil and ill will. This sword, of course in the form of nuclear warheads, will be directed against the following evildoers (among all others):

Russia — They are fooling no one with their “surrender.” The breaking up of the Soviet Union was one great political ploy designed at further freezing the Cold War. While we have been navel gazing, the Soviets have been assassinating foreign nationals. It’s hard not to admire the KGB. IDIOT fellow David Frum cautions us not to ignore “the evidence that the Russian government murdered a British citizen in the British capital with a radiological weapon.” But Frum doesn’t go far enough. Whereas he simply calls for the invasion of Russia, he fails to understand that there will be Russians who survive such an invasion.

Germany — One word: Hitler. As supreme enemies of liberty, Germans will never change. There are still legions of Holocaust deniers running around spouting out their pernicious vitriol and singing “Du Hast.” What alternative do we have other than bomb them? To allow this anti-Semitism to continue?

Vatican City — Let us not forget that the leader of this country is a theocrat, imposed on his subjects. The Catholic Church is not a democratic institution and dogma is decided upon by missive, not majority.

Israel — This is truly a socialist country. As pro-war libertarians, we resent their socialism. The latest chapter in this sorry story is that they have adopted price controls for bread. We’ll have to teach these people that free markets and private property are the last best hope for mankind.

Canada — It is ham; there is no such thing as Canadian bacon. During our first great war, i.e. the French and Indian, they provided comfort to the enemy. Not only this, but they steal the hydro-electricity of our Niagara Falls.

South America — As noted political philosopher Randy Newman points out, “they stole our name” and thus a nuclear first strike is the only appropriate response to this unjust linguistic theft. Yet if the unpatriotic have further doubts, let us not forget that we would not have cocaine, Che tee shirts, and immigrants had it not been for this horrid land.

India — It’s now our turn to outsource. Why should “Sanjay” steal the job of Steve? Because it is more economical and conducive to a global division of labor? Because it engenders world peace? Those considerations are clearly anti-American.

China — Not only are these people trying to industrialize, but they are hosting the Olympics. Didn’t Hitler host the Olympics? By logical deduction then, the Chinese are crypto-Nazis. What’s more is that they are trying to be peaceful. Only democracies are allowed to be peaceful.

We have the means to kill all these people; we simply lack the will. George Bush, accept our modest proposal.

President Bush, we will concede, has made a valiant effort. But his efforts so far should be considered only a very few timid first steps. This is the fundamental problem with neoconservatism — it’s a doctrine that takes too much pleasure in watching death up close. It is true that our policy will lead to quick, painless deaths, and we can understand the outrage over at National Review, but it is the only way. Bush can have his personal pleasure from Iraq, Iran, and Afghanistan, but he is a provincial thinker. We are true globalists.

(Walter Block writes this as a parody, not a serious proposal)