Show Prep

Notes for Day After SOTU show:

CNBC — President Obama: 1 Year Later — This is an hour tailgate party before the SOTU. They are setting the tone for the liberal media tonight. Obama’s problem is communicating his message not his radical policies. The liberal media is totally in the tank for Obama; they will declare this SOTU the best speech in history.

If Obama is against torture, he should stop giving speeches.

First, an important announcement. Those betting on the first “I.” The judges have it at 1 minute 50 seconds into the speech.

As to the total number of “I” in Obama’s speech. My scratch pads look like a lifer’s prison cell wall. The “I” count is 97 including 8 “me” and 5 “my.” Karl Rove says 96 “I’s” and he knows stuff.

The first Obama Bingo was confirmed in Springfield but I can’t make out the state.

No “This is not about me” winners, the phrase were not used.

Blame bets win on “Bush,” “confused public, “colleges,” “Republicans,” “banks,” “lobbyists,” “pundits,” “politicians,” “politics.” “Washington, D.C.,” “Supreme Court,” “talk show hosts” and the blame bonus phrase was “I’m not here to point the finger of blame.”

Some time before I had to pause live TV due to bleeding ears.

8:40 PM PST — Obama has left the White House 8:55 PM PST — Obama enters the DOME! Children flee, woman faint, men grab their wallets. 9:06:12 PM PST — Deep voice announces the pompous POTUS has entered the chamber. 9:11:20 PM PST — The lies begin. 9:13:10 PM PST — The first “I.”

Executive Summary: This crazy @&%[email protected] is going to get us all killed. He is going to take his Titanic of dubious policies and ram the iceberg of reality at full speed.

(Bare with me, I’m trying to sort out my notes.) Looks like something about a “full unemployment bill.” More tax refunds for people who don’t pay taxes.

Game Change: Obama and... John Heilemann, Mark H... Best Price: $0.01 Buy New $4.89 (as of 09:25 UTC - Details)

A good joke for everyone who got their W-2. Our taxes haven’t been raised a single penny. It must have been money termites.

The economy has grown 3,00% and he created 20 billion jobs and all his cronies made a lot of money. The recession is over and the unemployment numbers are teabagger lies.

The banks have to be punished for not paying back the bailout money and the bailout money they paid back will be used to hire more government whores.

Obama is going to increase US exports. The only things I’ve seen him export so far are Hillary, debt and the military. (Note to self): How much do our trading partners pay for a Hillary visit?

Foreign policy, North Korea and Iran can expect more nasty letters. Supported women in Iran by letting them be shot down in the streets.

Something about pink underwear for the troops and equal pay for everyone on the planet.

Obama declared himself one of the founding fathers and called us all slackers.

He said something about diversity but I couldn’t hear it over everyone shouting, “BINGO!” He said something about “right thing to do” but I think he meant “left.”

As best as I could tell from the speech, Obama thinks Kennedy is still the senator from Massachusetts.

On a scale of 1 to 5 stars, I’d give the speech 1 1/2 slit wrists. The star of this heroin-induced fantasy should be fitted for a white suit with extra long arms. Best Supporting Jumping Bean goes to Nancy. Scene Stealing Extra goes to Joe Bidden for staring at Obama as if he was an alien from outer space. I thought Joe was going to stand up with an “I’m not with stupid” t-shirt.

The Left, The Right an... Llewellyn H. Rockwell Jr Best Price: $7.33 Buy New $40.00 (as of 07:55 UTC - Details)

Does this speech come with anesthetic? 10 pounds of lies in a 5-pound bag. Did I come in here with a brain tumor?

Dear God, they’re replaying the speech. (Note to self: more duct tape and recyclable vomit bags.)

Either I or the guy giving the speech spent the last year in a parallel universe. 5 minutes in and Nancy started snorting cocaine. I hope she brought enough for everybody. Never has so much stupid been packed in the same room at the same time. How did they find room for the mountain of lies? I have to admit $1,000,000,000,000 is not a single dime and 10% unemployment is not a single person. I think Obama’s speech writer put an electric buzzer in Nancy’s seat. I think someone put an old campaign speech in Obama’s TelePrompTer. It took Obama 70 minutes to say, “bugger off, I’m not changing a bloody thing.” The only people Obama didn’t blame during his speech were terrorists. After that speech, Chris Hardball Boy’s leg tinkle could replace Hoover Dam. There is no truth to the rumor the new secret service code name for POTUS is “pants on fire.” Bidden didn’t fall asleep during the speech. That was a short-term coma.

Thank you God, the Obama replay has been interrupt by a scheduled recording of “Green Promo.” Who cares what it is. It’s not Obama. Wow, it is a 15-minute Fellini version of the Obama speech complete with sniper.

If Burger King makes a Bore Whopper, Obama would be on the poster. Obama’s speech was the NBC of late-night programming. I loved the part when Obama said, “And the ghost of Christmas future pointed a bony finger at Tiny Tim’s empty chair.” Next Obama speech, asking for Hardship Pay. If Obama’s speech was found on the streets of New York, he’d be fined for not curbing his dog. Obama’s speech did to America’s brain cells what his stimulus package did to the economy. The guy with the football has to go into hiding immediately. Obama cannot be trusted with dangerous objects like nukes and sharpened pencils.

(Note to self) Heard this speech before. Obama is Captain Ahab. He’s nailed up the gold coins and wants us to chase the great white whale. My name’s not Ishmael and I am not signing up for any watery grave. If the padded-cell junkie wants to start a revolution, he can count me out.